Time For Change

Okay so apparently the whole, secret, anonymous thing this diary was supposed to offer me is now void. Apparently ANYONE I know feels they have the right to just come in here and read my diary. I guess the logical thing to do would be to start a NEW diary, and just save this one to print out my history, or just scrap it all together. But I can’t do that. Im not logical nor am I keen on giving up my only source of a place to store myself.

So with that, I am making this favorits only. Hopefully that should cut out all the frustration I am having with people reading my diary who shouldn’t.  I don’t like all this drama, or feeling like I have to watch what I say for fear I might offend some one.  I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to watch my back, or refrain from expressing myself.  

Its differen’t writing in front of strangers, they can’t see me, or hear me, they don’t KNOW me personally. The only way they know me personally is because I allow them inside of me I guess. But what I say could be all lies, or part lies, or all truth. I can be whoever I want to be right? They don’t know whats true or not true. So in that respect its less personal, its secretive, anonymous.

But Rachel invaded that by reading my diary, and now Sam has. Now Sam’s feelings are hurt because I talked about her in here. But the thing about it is, the people only see me venting, they neglect to read where I talk about the good things I like in these friends I have. The qualities I admire. But they read the mad stuff, get their feelings hurt and get all bent out of shape and mad at me. Well , I didn’t give you permission to search me out and read my stuff, so whatever you read, oh well. I keep things unsaid for a reason ya know? Thats why I say them in here. To free myself from the thoughts to spare you from any hurt my feelings may cause.

So by making this private, I am able to just let who I WANT read my stuff. I think that’s safer anyway. And those who are able to click on a diary entry and get in, congradulations! And Im sorry, haha.  But this diary and everyone I know in real life reading it, and feeling they have a right to is making my life hell.

Im so stressed out all the time, Im breaking out and benging on food, I hardly get any sleep. All this emotional roller coaster has me wanting to scream so loud, and so hard. I feel 2 seconds away from throwing my whole life away and leaving. Just picking up my shit and driving to whereever, even if it means maxing out my credit cards to get there. Im so, so, SO unhappy here. My life feels dead end, my friends have ..well…let me down in the worst way, my job is stressful, I can’t afford to pay my college bill, and its just SO overwhelming.

I feel like the pressure is just getting to be too much sometimes and I feel so close to my snapping point. I cannot describe my unhappiness here. It’s so great and heavy, and even tears can’t seem to wash away the dread this place causes in me. Its like being in prison, and set outside the prison walls, but you’re still chained down. How unfair is that? You get the taste of the outside world but you cant venture into it, you can’t enjoy it, because you’re chained to this one spot, with the guards pointing their rifles at you. If you move, or bolt, you’re dead.  Thats the best way I know how to describe it. It’s just pure unhappiness, and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about any of it right now.

I dream so much. I think constantly what I need to do and accomplish to get the hell out of here, and in my head I know what it is I need to do, but getting it done is an entirely other story.  This isn’t a pitty entry. I am not asking for sympathy, I just, am so incredibly unhappy and sad, and moody and angry. The only thing that brings me any true joy is Frank, and the thought that one day I will get to leave, if even for a week, to be with him.  It’s like he lives where happiness lives, and I want to live there too. Does that make sense? Am I crazy? Do I need therapy? I don’t think I have depression problems, I just think I am in a rut and I don’t have anyway to get out and there’s no one around to help push. All I know is something feels terribly wrong inside of me right now, and I don’t know how to fix it.