Its Okay

Penises Always Come First.     I’m also sorry that every guy that is ever interested in me isn’t good enough for you.     3/8/2006 5:09:36 PM

Penises Always Come First.     You did drop your friends for some guy… you just don’t notice it yourself. I never made out with him on the dance floor… to this day we’ve kissed twice, each for less than a minute. And I also never ditched you, every time I walked off I tried to get you to come and you wouldnt, you’d just stand there… every time I’d ask you to dance you wouldnt.     3/8/2006 5:08:57 PM

The End. The Letter.     You have changed… guess we are just too different now. … You don’t have to mail the letter btw… I got it loud and clear through several of your entries.     3/8/2006 4:56:14 PM

JD’S     oh and btw… Miguel and I had not been into any kind of a fight so you and your boyfriend need to quit jumping to assumptions. There was no reason for it, he just did it so don’t blame me for that shit. He is not my boyfriend nor will he ever be my boyfriend there is nothing going on and never will go on between us.     3/8/2006 4:39:25 PM

JD’S     — even then you wouldn’t talk about it. So I said screw it, if she wants to talk she can talk. I give up I can’t do this shit no more. It’s like walking on broken glass around you. Anything I say or do or dont say or dont do is never good enough for you. Hope you have a nice life.

~Rachel
    3/8/2006 4:34:02 PM

JD’S     f*ck you too… I tried calling you for an entire week after the situation and you would never answer your phone. I didn’t know what the hell was going on at that time and didnt see why you wouldnt just walk away… you were smiling the whole time and just kept dancing. I finally saw you online and messaged you after your boyfriend cussed me out about it, which I dont appreciate. —     3/8/2006 4:30:16 PM

Okay, so she read my diary after all. I guess that saved me from having to mail the letter. I don’t have .39 cents anyway.  lol    –Well after reading those tonight, my first instinct was to run to her bf’s myspace and just drop it in there that she too kissed some one else. For half a minute I felt like being a total vendictive bitch, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can be mad and hurt all I wanted but I just can’t bring myself to be delibrately mean. I would like to defend myself, I feel like I should, but Im not going to. I didn’t smile. I did in the begining when he was just acting silly, but when things went worse, I WAS NOT smiling. But I guess if she would have stopped "not paying attention" and listened to me long enough to know something was up, she would have realized I was not smiling.  And I can’t believe she said I dropped my friends for some guy. Haha, if that isn’t the funniest thing I have heard all day. Lol I think the one time I dumped my friends for a guy was Ben, and that was like 8 years ago haha. I was 13!!!! Craziness. We’re what, almost 21 now? But its okay, she’s angry, defensive. 

I have come to realize it MUST be my fault.  I mean apparently Im the one with the problem. And you know what? It’s cool. I have only myself to blame for failed friendships.  I am not even going to try and defend myself in here or to anyone. I will just saye it, Im the one with the problem. I am the over emotional bitch with too much broken glass around her. So the fuck what, put on some damn shoes…Jesus Christ….I never asked anyone to tip toe around me or sweeten things up.    Im okay with it though. The funny thing is I don’t even feel that angry, or sad at the comments. I feel so numb. I just laughed over the absurdity of them. Im not even sorry she read my diary. Because I don’t write in here to get my messages accross to whoever I may be writing about. I write for ME. MY release. I purposely backed out of sending the letter because I felt there was no use putting alcohol on a wound right? Just move on with our lives. I said what I had to say in here because I felt the need to do it. To get it out of my system so I could help myself in moving on. Thats what a journal is for.

Its so weird, this feeling of nothing.  Im a little sad I must admit, because failing at something, even a friendship isn’t a good feeling. But like snoepie said, sometimes seperations are meant to happen. I heard in a movie once, that if things didn’t end badly, they would never end. And I think I understand more what that means now.  I know I will go through my bouts of lonliness, because I honestly do just want a friend, but I know at the same time I also don’t want  a one sided friendship. Im tired of those. I need a mature friendship. But maybe I need to grow up first. Because maybe I am the one with the problem, and I can’t ever have a healthy friendship if I don’t fix me first right??? So whats my problem…