Desperation

Well Frank and I are trying to plan a trip for this summer. I am trying not to get my hopes up, because chances are it wont pan out. But the idea is sure nice, and if we actually get to go somewhere, it sounds so exciting. We’re thinking Mexico. I’ve been, he hasn’t, but the idea sounds attractive to him. Someplace warm, historic, new. Cheap, lol. Of a lot of vacations people could take, I think Mexico would definately be the cheapest, thats for sure. But there’s so many decisions to make because he lives in new york and I live in missouri, the job of figuring out how we should go about it hurts his brain….So I guess we’ll see…

I’ve been kind of blah lately. I had this past Saturday off, and I was so bored and lonely and miserable. I should have been out having fun, dancing, something, anything, with friends. But I was home alone, with half the menu from Taco Bell to comfort me. Other than the few people online, and Frank, 7,000 miles away, I have zero friends. Im so lonely. Its so pathetic too. I work full time, and go to college, I can’t even meet new ones. Its times like this when I wish things had turned out different with Rachel, and I want to push the past aside and call her up, just so I don’t feel so alone. But I can’t do that, I would just wind up like this ALL over again. And Im not going to contact her, thats for sure. But I was talking to Frank today, and how I will be 21 in two months. It will be a quiet birthday I presume, at home, with my mom and cat and fattening, high calorie foodage. I should be out partying, celebrating the coming of FULL, LEGAL, adult hood. It just kind of depressed me. Ever since Saturday really, when I realized how pathetic I am, lol.

Its so easy to say I will just grit my teeth and bare the lonliness until something else happens to take it away, but its so difficult. I have no girlfriend. No nothing. So I feel irritated, and grouchy and like a scrooge. I feel like I am in this, quick sand, and just when I think some one is going to pull me out, the hand that was outstreatched snatches back and decide to do something worth their while. I dunno. Im moody with Frank a lot, he’s trying hard to put up with it, but even I know he’s getting tired of it. He can’t do anything being so far away, I know he feels bad about that too. He shouldn’t of course. He’s a great boyfriend. I feel bad too that I am in this slump, and I can’t get out of it, and I burden him with it.

To top it off things have gotten really bad at work again. Just today my boss called me fat, and daily she calls everyone on the staff stupid. She treats us like, dogs. Worse than dogs really, she’s a self rightious bitch is what she is. More than anything I wish I had the balls to tell her that too. Then there’s this other desk clerk, who at first I really liked. She was friendly, and out going and seemed great with the customers and caught onto things really fast. But she’s trouble. She’s snowing my manager AND the owner of the motel. She’s now talking crap between the other employees trying to get everyone mad at eachother so she can come out on top. But I am ON to her. I know so much that could get her fired. But I am going to bide my time. Just this morning she spoke with another desk clerk (Samantha, who I have written about before) saying how I complained about my schedual so my manager changed it. Which is bull, I didn’t say anything until the schedual had been made and it was a good comment! I was HAPPY with the schedual. But she says stuff, little stuff, that she knows will leak around the office and piss other people off. I am not going to have it. I have busted my ass at this job and if she thinks for ONE minute she’s gunna come out looking like a princess, she’s sorely mistaken. She really wants to watch who she pisses off.

And she also thinks that she can con the owner, (Ish) into an affair. She thinks he has the hots for her. That he flirts with her and blah blah blah. Well yeah he IS a flirt, but she’s a HOE. No lie, if a guy will pay her bills, she will sleep with him, she’s told me that. She also said if her sleeping with Ish, or him turning her down results in the termination of her job, she will sue for sexual harrassment. Ish gave her a present today from when he was in India, and it wasn’t anything great. And she thought she was so special…so I SAID.   "Yeah that’s cool. He got me a present too, this beautiful pink, valur purse, with handstiched silver and black beads that pattern it. Its so pretty and soft." And she tried to sound extra special by saying he was buying her and her daughter dinner. The only reason he offered to do that was because she did a spread sheet for his WIFE’s medical bills. He buys me dinner and gives me bonuses for no reason all the time. He’s just a nice guy, and she’d no doubt screw him over. All it would take is one word from me, for him to become suspicious of her and want her out of his motel. If he knew she spent time in murder for shooting a gun at her fiance, out the door she would be. But I will keep my mouth shut, unles she backs me into a corner, then the claws WILL come out.   But I am not worried about how to handle her. My manager though, I dunno what to do. I want to talk to Ish about her, I know he’s not exactly happy with her. She bosses him around too, which is stupid because he’s HER boss. And I think if I spoke to him, he might take what I have to say to heart and give it some consideration.

But the only problem is, if he speaks to her about her attitude, and mentions I am the one who "got her in trouble" she might take it out on me more. But I want to do it in person, when its just he and I able to talk. I love my job and working for him, I really do, but everyone is really tired of Lee. So I am not sure whats going to happen there. If maybe I should have a back up plan before I talk to him. Of course if I get fired I WILL have unemployment paying me, coz I’d take her to court if she tried to deny me, and I’d have about 6 people backing me up..so…And if she fires me, I know of at least 3 others that would quit too. So I can at least be confident about my job. I don’t want her to lose her job, thats not what Im looking to happen. I want her to treat us better, like human beings, thats all. To be respectful, and un-catty and honest, and ….I mostly want respect. I am not the 15 year old she’s used to teaching. (She was a teacher before a hotel manager). Nor am I the 18 yr old girl she hired. I am an adult. I just feel like I need to grow some balls and make things happen. Im tired of tiptoeing around the problem.

So the conclusion of the entry, Hanna needs a friend, and some balls, lol. AND a vacation.   Which will she get first? find out! ….if it ever happens…