Dreams

It freakin snowed last night! Crazy, took me almost two hours to get to work! Screw driving home in that at 11pm tonight, I know we could rent all the rooms but Im snagging one and staying here. Im not risking my life to earn this place money, lol no sir-ree. I started writing an entry Thursday night but got interrupted and when I came back I had lost my…..feeling I guess? To write anything more. I am not really in the mood now but oh well…I really don’t have anything to talk about either. Except what happened a week ago today.

Its so weird too, I have been having dreams all week about myself reliving what happened. Only they’re in different scenarios.  The other night I had a dream where I confronted Rachel, I was so brave about it too. Until I was done and then I ran into the bathroom until I saw her leave. In my dream I think it was because I was scared I would hear her excuses and just give in and forget like nothing happened. I was scared I would be weak. Thursday night I had a dream I was here at work when a customer accosted me like Miguel did. Only then my uncle showed up. In real life my uncle is this big bear of a man. An ex hell’s angels…tattoos all over, longish hair, a beard. He’s scary looking to those who don’t know him. And he’s also very dangerous when crossed. But in my dream he shows up, and I run to him crying, telling him what happened. As soon as I did I knew something terrible was about to happen. He grabbed the guy, kneeing him in the chest, and he just kept punching and punching and punching…I screamed for him to stop, but it was like he was in another time, his past maybe, and he didn’t hear me. This guys face became so bloody and un-recognizable…and part of me felt justified, even though I was horrified. I know for certain if my uncle found out about Miguel, he’d drive straight down here from Chicago and do some terrible damage. He’d be the man in my dream again. He used to BE that man. When I was a little girl. He’d fit the saying, you cant tame a wild beast….

I know these dreams are pretty simple. I am seeking justice in some way. Which is so weird. Some girls get it so much worse. So many other horrible things happen to them, I can’t imagine what that must be like.  I know there’s nothing I can to do Miguel. But I have decided to write Rachel a letter. I am not good at saying what I want to say in words face to face. But I can easily express myself through writing. Im not sure I am going to give it to her. Part of me wants to hold back in fear it could hurt her. But the logical part of me tells my heart to stop thinking. lol. That I have every right in the world to say to her what I want to say and she deserves to hear it. Whether it hurts her or not. But I will have the letter, should I ever want her to have it.  Maybe just writing it will feel justifying in itself, I don’t know. Guess we’ll see.  I haven’t heard from her at all, except when she told me she got Frank’s offline messages. But I know in her head, I am probably some how the bad guy….but I don’t know how she could possibly defend herself…

Other than that nothing else is new. Im freezing and can no longer feel my fingers. Work is slow and absolutely no one is online to talk to. So thats probably why I am here, lol.  I don’t mind it though. I wish I had more interesting or dramatic things to write about. Up until this week my life was pretty simple. Now I can’t seem to think of anything else. So I don’t know. I know Frank is worried about me. He doesn’t know what to say or do about the situation. If he even makes a joke I get all upset and furious all over again. He doesn’t know how to handle such a sensitive girl! lol…neither do I really. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, it would make my life so much easier. But how do you HONESTLY change something like that? Its a personality trait…maybe even in my DNA some how, who knows.

But anyway, thats it for now. The phone keeps ringing and I am getting irritated so Im gunna go!.