Thinking Out Loud

Its almost 11:30 and I should be in bed asleep. Being sick is kicking my ass, I drove all the way to Cape this morning for classes, but after the first one I just couldn’t bring myself to stick around for the next two. I couldn’t breath, I felt utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically. I just came home and slept all day, from like 12 to 6. I still feel tired but I am not ready to lay down and close my eyes.  I am not sure why Saturday has affected me so much…well thats a lie. I know why it has. Some one I have kown for 8 years let me down in such a major way. I imagine it is only expected for me to feel what I am feeling.

I don’t think I am at the point where I want to forgive her for what she’s done. Even if she knew what might happen before hand, she still knew what was happening when it was happening and took no steps to save me. I thought she was my friend. I knew better than to expect to much from her, knowing she was selfish, but I never expected her to turn her head when I was desperately in need of her help. She had the power to stop him, but she didn’t. He was just trying to get her attention, and she acted like it didn’t matter to her, meanwhile she didnt care nor pay any attention to the fact what was happening to her friend. She must not think highly of me, or love me the way she says she does. When you care for some one, you help them. You fight back when they can’t. You do something to make whatever is wrong right. And she did none of that. I think this was honestly the last straw. I don’t think I could ever forgive her for this. 

The more I think about what happened, the angrier I get at her and at him. I am so angry that a slime ball like him put his hands in places SOOOO not meant for him. Those intimate places I save for one person…or those places that belong only to me until I give them to one person. I am angry that he thought for one second he had the right to do what he did, when he didn’t. I am angry that he used me in his ploy to cause jealousy and anger in Rachel. I am not a tool.   But most of all, I am angry at her. My so called friend. I can’t believe she ignored me. I was so stunned and confused and angry at Miguel that night, I didn’t even put together everything until I had laid down in bed and replayed the night in my head. And then it dawned on me that I should blame her too. I haven’t even told her how angry I am…I didn’t really show it that night because I was so furious at him. I mean I was mad at her too, but I was so disgusted and humilated I couldn’t express everything I was feeling. But I want her to KNOW how angry I am. Not that it even matters. If she cared about me, knowing how hurt and angry I am might have some effect on her. But she doesn’t, so my words and feelings would be completely wasted on her.

But I so badly right now want her to suffer in some way. I know that may sound wrong of me. And I would never do anything to cause the suffering…but part of me wants it.  I want her to feel humiliated and disgraced and betrayed and everything. I want her to realize the horrible person she can be. But I think the smart thing is to just walk away from her. I think this friendship has gone beyond mending. There is no way I could ever trust her again. I already had to keep myself from being hurt from her previous actions. But this is worse than them all.  I have half a mind to email her "boyfriend" and tell him all about her. But I wont….as much as she deserves it, I wont. I couldn’t ever be that cruel…not inentionally. But I don’t know. I just don’t know what to feel or think or say or anything. I just want to move away from it all. To start a life over someplace else. Away from this town and state that has brought me nothing but unhappiness and bitterness…and failed friendships and betrayal….Im so tired of being hurt so much. And for letting myself be so available to hurt…But I don’t know how to fix it or make it better…. But I have to be strong when it comes to her. I can’t let myself be so desperate as to just take her back…And thats going to be the hardest of all….Its like finally packing it up and leaving an abusive husband…thats the only way I know how to describe it.