FAT CHANGES

Myself has been on my mind a lot these past few days. I wake up in the morning, drag myself out of bed and turn on the shower….then I look into the mirror and realize how unhappy  I am with myself. I keep saying, ok Hanna, time to lose the weight, we’re starting on Monday! But then Monday comes, and the diet and exercise never do.  I have all these good intentions of making improvements on myself but they never end up working out. I have like zero motivation for difficult tasks. I shouldn’t be that way, its a very bad habbit my mother has passed down to me. And as much as I love my mother, more than anything in the world, I physically don’t want to end up like her. Not caring how many cookies I eat, or candy bars, or what my dinner portions are. All I feel is the need to eat eat eat….Its not like I am terribly big either. If I could lose just 25 pounds, thats all I would need. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you’re working on trying to lose that much, it FEELS like a lot of work.

But I am GOING to do it. This summer I don’t want to hide behind a one piece bathing suit. I wanna flaunt what I got in a two piece! Every time I talk about dieting Frank just rolls his eyes. So its not him saying I need to lose the weight. Its me, and myself hating how I look. And I DO. So bad.  I think it affects us intimately too. I  mean, sure we have a good time, but its so hard for me to just let go and go with it because I am so self concious about my weight. He wants me on top and I am terrified I am going to snap him in half, haha. I know that sounds crazy but thats honestly what goes through my mind.  I am tired of feeling like I have to hide behind baggy clothes or walls whenever I see a mirror. I want to feel good about myself. I think if I could just lose the weight I want, and become in shape more, I might consider myself a little pretty.  A little more desirable.

So MONDAY. And the reason why Monday is because its the start of a fresh new week, and its after payday. Another reason it is so hard to diet effeciently is because my how is always so low on healthier foods, or food at all. So I tend to grab something late at night after work, and eat it just before bed. I need to start eating three healthy, well proportioned meals a day, and at specific times. Perferably no where around bed time, lol. And I also plan to bump up the exercising. I miss doing my pilates and yoga, (that soooooooooooooo gives results), but I also find myself getting annoyingly out of breath walking all over the hilly campus. Which is weird because I have been walking around it for two years now…maybe some of my poor lung function is because my mom is a smoker and I have inhaled that crap my whole life against my will.

I will have to start low impact exercises I know. As for the eating, as long as my mom (who is the culprit) doesnt flash cookies and candies around (which she does ALL THE TIME), I will be able to stay on my eating regiment better. Because if the items aren’t there to tempt me, I won’t fail. It has worked before…but then easter came..and so did a basket full of goodies…and wOOSH there went the diet, lol. But I am going to do it. I have to. For myself. Because all I want, is to feel beautiful about myself. And this is a great test for motivation. If I can endure losing 25 pounds, I can get through anything. So Monday…. 4 days away…*crosses fingers.*