Last Vacation Day

So today is my last day off from work vacation wise. Tomorrow I start back to work and the stress I know that awaits me there. I dread it too. Not my job, I like the work, but there is so much tension there that it almost makes it so unbearable, and I wanna cry and scream and punch in a wall just at the thought of going back. I am honestly not happy about it, but I am no quitter either. I guess I’d rather endure the stress and hardships just to keep myself from feeling like a failure or something. I just keep telling myself, just one more year Hanna, then you’ll be gone and starting something so fresh and new and exciting. The idea of getting the hell out of this place some day is the only thing that keeps me going these days. I feel so lost and out of place here. Lonely.

I had two classes to start off my spring semester, Vice & Virtue, and a politics class. Both equally interesting classes with both equally boring and monotone teachers. My political science teacher paces the floor so much and so fast, while speaking low it makes it very hard to concentrate on his lecturing. My V & V class, the instructor just stands up there and pretty much has a conversation with himself. I hope as the semester moves on the classes seem a little less….dreary and a little more interesting. But I have three more classes on MWF, so  I guess we’ll see how those classes go tomorrow. Not really excited to be taking a stupid algebra class over again, I feel seriously retarded because I just cannot do the math, but it needs to be done, so I must struggle through it again. As long as I pass with a C, that is all I am hoping for. I will bust my ass for a better grade, but even if I land a C, thats  O K. And my goal this semester is to not let my job overwhelm my school work, I missed a few days last semester because I was just so tired. But I planned later classes to allow myself and hour or two more sleep every night then what I was getting last semester. I don’t have as much free time during the day, but I figure sleep is probably more important to keep myself going….Guess we’ll see how that goes.

Rachel and I have been spending a lot more time together. One night while Steve was down here she even kind of put him second and spent time with me. Not that  I want to come first, but it was nice to see that she was making an effort not to exclude me from her life, and she has owned up to hurting me and being selfish in many ways. And I forgive her, I have to. But I am not letting myself get so attatched again that I allow her to hurt me again should the opportunity arise. I can’t allow so much negativity in my life, it really brings me down. I noticed I have become such a different person due to all the hardships, bitterness, bad feelings and resentment that I have allowed to rule my life. It has to stop. I need to learn to focus on the good and let go of the bad…of the past…I just need to let go. I am going to work so hard at that….I can’t make any promises, but I am really going to try and turn back into the person I used to admire….The Hanna that even though she didn’t like the outside, she appreciated the inside…

I miss Frank terribly though. It was so hard sleeping alone last night, I hardly got any sleep at all. I kept waking up to reach out for him, but his spot on the bed was empty, and this hurt hollow feeling just kind of crept up on me and I had pretty depressing dreams. All I want to do is hug and kiss him, and he’s not here anymore. I feel deprivived, lol. Even though I had a week with him, it doesn’t feel like it was enough. I am greatful for what I had though, however I still want more, lol. I am so definately not satisfied. I am supposed to go with him to his mother’s family reunion. Which aught to be interesting considering I will be the only white person there, haha. Frank is half white, but his mother’s side of the family is black. Which is totally cool, I am sure they will be very kind and fun people. I haven’t even met his mom though, so meeting the whole family at once is going to prove entertaining. I am very nervous and very excited at the same time. It is supposed to be held in Charlotte NC some time this summer. But according to his uncle, I should be purchasing my plane ticket soon, haha. His whole family wants to meet me. Seems very official….like.,….what very committed couples do. SOOOooooooooooooooooo I dunno what’s going to happen there. It is definately time I meet his family though. After four years? Heck yeah.

Well its 9pm, I am going to get into my comfy cotton pj’s, slip between the sheets in my big empty bed, and watch a movie until I fall asleep….And then I must face tomorrow…..AHHHHHHHH *punches wall* lol….Have a good night everyone.