11/15/05
I am feeling a little down tonight, so I guess I will write about it. Though I am sure when all i said and done with this entry it is going to sound like a pitty party for one..lol …but thats the whole point of a journal. I guess the only thing different between a normal one and and online journal, are the people telling you to just grow up and suck it up, lol.
I guess right now I really, very frustrated with Frank. I feel like we’ve both been so busy this semester, that the stress and constant school work has kept us preoccupied, but it seems worse as of late. He never seems to have time to talk to me anymore. And when we do talk, its for a few minutes and then he dissapears or something. I feel like we haven’t had a good…bonding session in quite sometimes…and I know he hasn’t said anything…"sweet" or personal in weeks..maybe months, I don’t know. I don’t need it every day, but I am needing it now, but he wont stick around long enough for me to tell him. Its really getting frustrating. And I find that when we do talk, all I do is lash out with sarcastic comments just to get his attention. Well its not working. But I also know if I just come right out and say I am down, and blue, he will just give some…."logical" response and I will end up feeling like an idiot and still feeling down. But I really AM feeling a little lonely and neglected. And when he stops talking he wont even say why…he kept doing it tonight, and I’d hear from him for 30 seconds and then an hour would go by. No excuses as to why or anything.
I don’t feel like I am high maintenance. I understand if he’s busy with school work, but the problem is he doesn’t tell me he’s busy. He just….dissapears, becomes quiet for long periods of time. And he KNOWS it drives me crazy and he keeps doing it. What is so damn hard about saying "hey baby, Im so swamped with school work, please don’t think I am ignoring you…" ??? I would so be okay with that, and my feelings wouldn’t be hurt and I wouldn’t be feeling all left out and lonely and stuff. Its like today I was really feeling down and alone, all I wanted to do was talk to him. And no matter how hard I tried, he just wouldn’t cooperate. Then he just logged off before I could even respond to his hasty goodnight, which btw was ended with a very smartass comment. I have to keep fighting the urge to leave him an offline comment letting him know how upset I am. I just feel like we’ve drifted a little bit, and all I want is a little reassurance. The most I get is some perverted comment about sex…or my body parts….I haven’t even heard and I love you since the begining of August when he was here….Shrug….all I want is to feel close to him and he’s making it so damn impossible. And for some crazy reason that really hurts my feelings. I know it shouldn’t, he’s a guy and that is to be expected, expecially after 4 years of a relationship. But all we have is conversation when we’re apart, and if we lose that we lose everything you know? And that is scarey as hell.
I just want to feel like number one to some one….other than people online I have no friends, my job doesn’t appreciate me….and my boyfriend doesn’t have….just tonight ya know? then I would feel all better…but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo he’s a guy and has to make everything so damn difficult…
ohhh speaking of the devil….he couldn’t sleep! so he came online to say hi…yeah right buddy you got back online because you know i was upset!