Strange Emotions. Can’t Believe He Did It

So I was snooping through my ex’s (well really we’re more like best friend’s) e-mail yesterday. He has me go in there all the time for him when he can’t get to a computer to filter out all the junk…But anyway, I haven’t heard from him in nearly 4 weeks, which is odd, even for him. Even if he doesn’t call he usually writes. But in an e-mail to some one else he confessed that he up and married the same girl he left me for. The sad part is he cares for her, but he doesn’t love her. According to him he isn’t even attracted to her and he still thinks about other girls ALL the time. But he married her because he got her pregnant, and he thinks its the right thing to do. The funny thing is I knew it was coming, but I still kind of thought he’d come to his senses about it all and realize the grave mistake he was making with his life with such a big gamble as marriage. Especially to a girl he isn’t even happy with.

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some hint of jealousy though. Especially when I think about the 14 year old girl I used to be and how for 3 years after our break up he gave me such mixed signals. He wanted me, but it couldn’t possibly work. He wanted me but he was confused. He wanted me.but but but but. It isn’t that I want him back. Because I don’t. I love my boyfriend so very much. I have shared so much with him I can’t even possibly begin to imagine sharing with anyone else. He is definately my greatest love. He’s some one I treasure, and adore, and I think he’s tottally hot 😉 I can’t imagine being with anyone else, or better.

But B was my FIRST love. He had my heart so long ago for such a long time. I remember waiting and waiting for him to come back. Never said anything to him about it. Just took his misplaced words and held them close. I think its when I think back to that girl so long ago, and feel her feelings, thats where the jealousy comes in. But more than ANYTHING, I am mad at him. He is this guy, with this huge capacity to love. Granite he has made some MAJOR mistakes in his life. But he has learned and for the most part is working on correcting them. But he doesn’t LOVE this girl the way he should. She deserves some one who loves her unconditionally and who wants her more than anything in the whole world. And I don’t think B is capable of that right now. He can’t even stay faithful to her for 6 months. But he married her because he got her pregnant, and he doesn’t want his child to grow up in a split home. Which I understand and commend, but its for all the wrong reasons too. How happy will he be 50 years from now? How happy will she be? She’ll resent him for resenting her. She’ll have missed out on an opportunity to find some one who she deserves and who deserves her. So from one female to another, I am sad for her. Even though she stole him from me! Haha..But like I said..he can’t stay faithful.

Already he’s interested in another girl. He mentioned her last time we talked. And now he’s married to some one else? I feel sorry for his…*ahem* wife. (The whole Idea of B being married and having a kid is very odd to me.)  I think its funny how he’s avoiding me though. I know he thinks I will just reprimand him about it. And he’s right, in my head he would, and he knows it. But I’d never confess it. I would congradulate him and wish him happiness and success. But he knows me too good to know my words would be hallow for the most part. I know I sound mean for admitting that.

Its weird the relationship I have with him. We’re best friends. I can tell him anything, and sometimes I don’t even have to say anything. For so long he’s been this constant figure in my life, and even before when this girl was  just a girl friend, I didn’t feel like I really had to share him. I know he feels that way about me and Frank too. Its so hard to explain. It sounds like I am still in love with him. Im not. I love him. But I am not IN love with him. Its just so weird the emotions I am feeling about the whole situation. But only when I think about it. But something else comes out of it as well. I again feel my deep love for my boyfriend. Plus he treats me WAY better than B ever did, haha.

However right now I think he’s so busy playing some damn computer game, he has spent the past three hours ignoring me. Which I am not happy about. I have been kind of down and stressed out today and I was looking forward to talking to him. But he says he’s just too busy. Of course he doesn’t know how I am feeling so he isn’t being like a big jerk. I haven’t told him that I am kinda down and stressed.  What I’d really like is some mushy words and reassurance of some sort. Just something to lift my spirits.

I have two papers to write. I am half way done with one of them and I know its crap. Or I think it is anyway. I feel like it could be better, but then I get so stressed out about the paper I can’t think coharently enough to revise it and fix it. I keep getting writers block and have to stop for a while and then go back to it. I feel like my topic is all over the place but I am not exactly sure should be taken out and narrowed in on. Which is frustrating as hell. I will be so happy when both of these papers are turned in and I won’t have any more big projects due. Just finals, and two of those I can opt out of because I have passed all the other ones with really good grades. (Two of my teachers drop the lowest exam score..so if I am happy with my previous test, I don’t have to take the final and it wont hurt my grade. but if I take it, it can only help my grade. so….) At least that only leaves three I need to study for.

I better get back to my paper…it’s not going to write itself….