Roadkill..thats my history

Wow, 8pm and I have had every room rented since 5:30 this evening. RIGHT ON. Except now the phone keeps ringing and people are asking if we have rooms. I wish we had a NO VACANCY message we could post! Gets old retelling people we don’t have any rooms. But its quiet now. All the bikers for the hog rally are at the HD shop having a big ol party. Glad I wont be here when all the big tattooed guys and gals come in plastered. Whew, had enough of THAT environment back home in Cali with my uncle. Seeing those types of people brough back good memories though. I remember seeing my uncle ride up with his pack. Him in the front, all in black, his sleeves rolled up, his leather vests, old with patches and pins and his name on the back…"Roadkill"…and about 25 bikes following in form behind him. It was an awesome sigh…and awesome sound really, to hear all the Harleys reving….there’s nothing like it. I remember my fave bike of his was purple …deep rich purple…and chrome..it was gorgeous. When I grew up I wanted to be a biker..lol….but then he ruined it..or they all did..they’d get drunk, and loud, and obnoxious…I’d end up quiet and scared….weird, to this day I see my uncle on his bike and I think wow, and awesome sight. He’s a very big, powerful looking man. Not like skinny and muscular, but just BIG and STRONG and tough looking. Just remembering him back then makes me feel like I am six again. Now he drives a green dodge pick up truck and works at a company making signs in southeast missouri.  Weird how things like that work out. He has so many secrets and stories….everyone keeps telling me I need to write a book on him…I wish I had the time and he and I both had the patience..I bet it’d be a good story…

But anyway…moving on.  My family is getting together this weekend. My grandfather and his four brothers. I haven’t seen my grandfather since his "suicide stunt" back in May and to be honest I am not sure I am ready to see him. My mom says his whole attitude has changed but I don’t believe it. It always changes for a little while but then he just goes back to thinking he’s god and saying mean horrible things about everyone. I don’t like PRETENDING I want to be around him. But my mother keeps begging me so what choice do I have?  So I guess Saturday I will go over there when I wake up and stick around until work starts at 11pm. My mom has been mentally abused by him her whole life yet she’s still so protective of him. Thats hard for me to understand but I know a lot of abused people are that way. They fear their abuser but they love them deeply and defend them to the grave. You’d think they’d just PUT them in the grave instead lol. Well maybe with all his brothers around I wont be forced into any weird silences with him. He doesn’t talk to me anyway so it shouldnt be too hard. I don’t even think he likes me and I don’t even think I care..isn’t that sad? Every little girl should love her grandpa. I did a long time ago …when things and times were different. I remember him once being a good and loving grandpa…for like one minute.

The anniversary of my father’s death came and went. I am not even sure if I wrote on it or not. It was a weird feeling. No one even remembered but me. No one said anything, or asked if I was okay. Frank was in Scottland, I know if he hadn’t been and something had been said he’d have been a good ear. He felt bad when I told him when he got back. I didn’t tell him to make him feel bad, but I just wanted some one to talk to about it. I still have his remains too, in my room. The sickest part of the whole thing is I feel like he’s watching me. I feel paranoid. Like I have this body in my room ..this once very alive, physical being….You know people that murder other people and stash them under the floorboards or in closets or in lime in the basement?? How do they LIVE. Knowing they are there..physically there. How does that not haunt them??? Not that I killed my father…maybe I played some part in his decision because I wouldn’t give him the light of day….but still…maybe its the guilt I feel for not trying harder with him that REALLY haunts me. Maybe knowing he’s there but not is what haunts me…he should be there, he should be alive, breathing, watching me grow..and he’s not..but my brain and heart make it seem like he is. Does that sound totally insane? It feels insane. It feels chaotic and confusing and completely hopeless. Like I will never grasp on to what I am truely feeling. Like it will never make sense. And maybe it never will. Maybe I have to live with that. Because I never got closure. I never got a reason, or a note, or a goodbye. Or a chance to say whats really on my mind. I am sorry. Sorry Sorry Sorry. I am angry. So incredibly angry.  Even after all this time. Its like if I could just move on, I could get past it and be OK. Sometimes the anger and sadness overwhelms me and I can’t breath.

Some good news: They hired another girl who wants the C shift here at work the last two nights of the week, so we have a guy who does wife and his wife who will be doing the other two. Which means I won’t have to do it anymore! (Hopefully) AND I got another raise, did I mention that? I make a whopping $6.75 lol. And just ONE pay check covers my car and insurance. But once my credit card is paid off I will have like 300 bucks pocket change. I can finally start putting money away like I want so when I move away I will have a little eggs nest. I am so excited. I can’t wait to move. I know its two years away but its something I am really looking forward to. I really want out of here. Maybe in a few more months I will get another raise and make 7! lol…I should be makin like 8 bucks an hour all the stress this job causes me. Buuuuuuuuuuut that aint EVA gunna happen.. I am really liking my classes too at SEMO. They are really in depth and require a LOT more work, but the courses are interesting and the assignments are all due like by november, so after that it appears to be pretty smooth sailing until its time for finals. So thats all for now.