DENIED DENIED DENIED!!

  Wow yesterday was pretty shitty considering I woke up in a fairly good mood.  The day was pretty, I had a good amount of sleep. I was doing okay.  Well I called Chase to check the status of my loan because they told me I was already approved. Well when I called they said I was denied. I needed two years of credit or a cosigner. Well, I have neither. I have NO money, and I have to come up with a little over a grand by the 5th, or they cancel my classes, AGAIN. I was so mad. The lady was like, "Miss, you were only conditionally preapproved." And I said, "so that means I was approved to waste my time filling out your damn paper work? This paper work said all I have to do was sign and they’d mail the check!" She was not very helpful. I am tired of being screwed over. I know I was snappy. I hate when I have snappy customers but damn. I thought I would finally have enough money to get me through school here without any worries. Now my worries are back and bigger. They only gave me like $400  for my pell grant each semester. Okay, thats going to cover what, books? I am so stressed and worried. Today I am going to stop by financial services to see if they can offer any advice. I know its going to look bad, like I am waiting until the last minute. But I’m not, I was counting on the loan weeks before this crap. I told them as soon as I made my last payment on my credit card that I was canceling it, (through Chase). That I was displeased with their service and I wont go through them again. I don’t understand why its so difficult, or why it has to be. I just want to go to school. Damn. I want to make something of myself and I feel like I am being denied that opportunity. Like what did I do to deserve this? I don’t even have family to ask  for money. I mean I do, and they’re loaded, but I am not close to them. Other than my mom and uncle I don’t speak to any of them. I can pay in installment payments, my first one would need to be like $400. I guess thats easier to come up with than a thousand. It would buy me some time.  I just don’t want to lose another semester. Sigh, it feels hopeless right now. =/

Frank just keeps saying it will all work out. I am doing my best to believe him but it’s not that easy. Its easy for him to say its going to work out. He doesn’t have to worry where the money to fund his school is going to come from. His parents take care of it. He doesn’t have to work a full time job to support himself, his parents are supporting him through college. I don’t begrudge him that. I wish I could have it that way too. Not have to worry and just focus on my education. He’s lucky in that way. But it hasn’t been easy for me, and when people keep shooting you down, it’s hard to pick yourself back up and keep the faith alive. People talk about all this money they get from the government, how they get free rides…but I don’t know how they’re doing it. Shrug

On another note. A friend of mine from highschool/junior high, just had her second child. A little girl, 11 pounds! They had to take her by c-section, which I can see why. No way I’d push that big sucker out of me! lol She’s a good mom though. She goes to school, and works, and has been raising another daughter since we graduated HS. Her husband, (i hate saying that because he’s scum) is younger, immature and abusive. But they’ve been together a while now. She got married and didn’t even tell anyone from our little circle. I guess she knows how much we dislike him. I would have been happy for her though, if thats what she wanted. But oh well. She never even told anyone she was pregnant the first time. She never showed all through senior year. One day we get a phone call saying she had a baby and we might want to congradulate her. Uhhhh are you sure? lol.

I keep thinking she’s so young. She’s only 20 and already has two kids. I can’t even imagine having one kid. Hell, I can’t even put myself through college, there’s no way I could support a child! Right now though I am kind of tempted to take a test. In May, like a week and a half before my trip, I missed a couple days of my pills, which if you’re on the pill you know it forces you to start your period. Your body thinks its time. Well I started a new pack since I was at the end of my other one anyway. I went to NY, spent a week with Frank, and the day I came home I had a mild cycle, and 2 weeks after that I had another mild one. Well the one I had last week lasted TWO days. I know my body is probably just messed up, trying to get itself back on track but I’d still like to be certain. I get scared though, thinking it may come out positive. Well it probably wont, but what if it did? What then? Knocked up at 20 with a boyfriend at school over seas and only a highschool education. I’d be just like all the girls I think are silly for getting pregnant so young. It would go against everything I had planned for my life. I know I am just psyching myself out. But theres always that like 1% chance that the pill didn’t work. Uhg, I don’t even want to think about it. Thats the LAST thing I need right now. I’lltake a test Saturday morning to reassure myself I am just being crazy and get over it. The test better come out saying, denied denied denied, lol.

I have another friend who is getting married in December. She seems happy about it, but her boyfriend isn’t so great. He is kind of mean to her, says she’s fat which throws her into more spells of anorexia or balhemia (spelling?).  He said he wouldn’t even marry her unless her dad agreed to pay for the honeymoon! Can you feel the love? But she’s been with him since she was 16, and she’s scared she wont find anyone else so she stays. They are just getting married at the justice of peace because HE doesn’t want a wedding and HE doesn’t want a reception. I feel bad for her in a way because I can see her unhappy and miserable 10 years from now. But then again the nights we have taken her away from him because he hits her and she just goes back, she made her own choices. She is willing to sacrafice herself just to have a man. And the thing is, she is HOT. She’s gorgeous. She could have any man she wanted. A GOOD man. I mean she’s so pretty I hate standing next to her because it makes me feel like a big, ugly ,ackward whale, lol.  I can’t understand why some one stays with a person if they treat you bad or make you so unhappy. She wont even leave the house to come out with me or my other friend because she’s scared he will cheat on her again. But I have learned to stop reasoning with her. It just falls on deaf ears.

Anyway, I better end this and head to class. I feel like taking a nap, but the idea of laying downn in the back seat of my car in 96 degree weather really doesn’t appeal to me. Wish I could skip work and drive home and go to bed! My eyes feel heavy and tired. Hope I make it through English!