Adulthood Is Evil

So I filled out the financial aid form online. I doub’t I did it right but I attempted. My friend told me it was free so I did it..filled the whole thing out and at the end it tells me to process it it will be $49.99!! If I had money to spend I wouldnt be asking for financial aid…HELLO. I hope I get it, if I don’t I don’t know where the money will come from for spring semester. I so badly want to attend college..I love college but they are raping my check book..I have no clue how to go about getting student loans and grants and such. I am mailing off for my father’s death certificats so that I can try getting SS off of him. Part of me is torn, I don’t want to need the money from him. But at the same time I feel like its the least he can do after…after…well after everything he’s done. If I can get that I should be able to get myself back on my feet. I am still struggling trying to make bills after having to run off to Michigan and missign a weeks worth of work because he decides to..to…kill himself. Growing up I wanted to be an adult so bad..to do allt he things adults get to do…but its all happening too fast. 19 I burry …well have my father creamted, I have to pay for college all on my own because my moms smoking habbit is more important than my education and because stupid me had to have a new car because all my friends had one and I needed reliable transpertation. I feel like..if I could just…get things paid off I’d feel better. But when I try to pay my CC off..stupid financial aid needs 50 bucks and oops..maxed out again. I feel like every rock I am able to lift off of me two more are added…If I could just get help until all the rocks are off I would be able to keep up. But its my fault too for letting them pile up I guess.

So 7 days until my beloved Frank visits. I am kind of scared for him to visit because everytime he leaves something bad happens lol. The first time my mom dumped her fiancee of 4 years..and the second time my father killed himself. On Thursday marks the 1 year anniversary since my grandmother died. Mom hasn’t shown any signs of depression yet…I am off that day so maybe we can do something that will keep her mind off it….on that day it will be 5 months since my father’s death…weird..it doesnt seem like its been a year…seems like I remember watchign her slip away just yesterday..or last week or something. My grandfather got remarried 4 months later..but he cant escape the grief or guilt either…she had such a horrible childhood..and then to spend the rest of her life married to my grandfather..who never made her feel important…and then she had to suffer medically…sure doesn’t seem fair..then my father..who for some reason felt it was easier to jump like his brother than to live at all…I really want to hate him.

I need something to look forward to. I am looking so forward to seeing Frank…I just want to hug him so tight that the past year just dissapears or something.  The idea sure seems nice. Hope he’s as braced for impact as he says he is..because when he walks out from the terminal… coz…I am pouncing! Well I have a customer again..so I’d better go…