Just to be

I wish I was strong enough to walk away and not think about it.

If I could turn my back on people, I think life would be simpler.

I wouldn’t have to worry about the lies and the deceit.

I wouldn’t have to worry about all the things that happened…I just wouldn’t have to think about it at all.

But I just don’t know how to do that.  How do you walk away?  How do you close the door and not look back…wondering if it was the right thing to do….how do you do that?

I need someone to tell me…I need someone to help me close that door, to help me realise that sometimes it IS the best thing to do.

I want to close my eyes to all of this.  I want it out of my head, and erased from my memory. 

I want the world to be as I once knew it…simple, carefree, no worries….just life.

Somewhere along the way, I lost it….the reason for waking up every day – regardless of who or what I was waking upto – regardless of whether I was alone, or free…just being.

The revelations…..that I could quite happily live in my little bubble…without anyone around, and not wanting anyone around.  And that was a surprise.

I’ve always been good at being someone I’m not….now I need to be the person I am, and not be afraid that it’s me.

I need to be just me….no hiding, no smoke and mirrors….I need to just leave a chunk of my life behind, knwo ti happened, but move on with it.  And I’m sure I will…and I’m sure I’ll stop noticing the things that don’t work out as they should.

And hopefully, forget that others might not be happy with the naturally withdrawn self that I am, but hopefully I can be happy….and start living my life for me wihtout always trying to make everyone elses lives better.

Maybe one day I’ll do that….