The words escaped…

So I finally managed to be heard.

Sunday night I went out with a mate.  We ate, and then headed off back home.  I drove him to his, and from what little I had said, I think he realised there was something more wrong than I ever let on.  I went in and chatted to him.  As per usual, I skirted around the subject as much as I could, tried to explain it all away…make everything sound like it’s ok.

I feel so much better that someone knows.  He’s suggested I go and see a counsellor, and I know that he’s right.  It’s amazing…cos about a month or so ago, it was a role reversal…I was the one that was telling him things he needed to hear…and here I was, finally the one that was on the couch.

He’s right about so many things…I can’t really concentrate on any sort a relationship until I figure out all these things in my head.  I need to get myself happy, and not think that someone else can do that, because they can’t.  I’m at a point here where it’s coming to a head.  I’ve covered things up for so long…always been the one with the good advice..but like so many people who give good advice, not one to listen to it myself.

I think he was surprised that I felt like this, I don’t think he ever realised.  And I think there is a part of him that knows that really, I’ve gone through this all by myself…I’ve piled up the pressure on myself in order to make life as difficult as possible…because there’s a part of me that thinks my life has to be difficult…I don’t know how to deal with things aren’t broken..it just doesn’t seem to be natural to me.

The thing is, my dad died almost 10 years ago.  And I still haven’t managed to move on.  My life and my heart are still there…still in pain.  I think I’m really ready this time to learn how to really cope, how not to cover it up.  To really learn how to talk about the things that mean the most to me.

Positivity is lacking at the moment, but I’m hoping it will return.  I’m breaking things down and this time I want to try and build them up properly again.  

Thank you for standing by me when so many walked away.