The pain remains hidden

3 months on, and it is still as difficult as ever.  Missing people.  I wonder if we ever really deal.  I wonder how we are supposed to.

Last night, I started thinking.  I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life, and at the time, I’m sure that I must have thought “why me, why us?”  I think back to it now, and realise that I have to believe there was a reason for it, that it is part of the design of life or something.  Surely without some of those experiences, I could still be the person I am today, but then I would be thinking negatively….I’d be letting every bad experience get the better of me.  I can’t afford to do that…..never be beaten twice.

I wonder if being stronger means that you really are stronger, or you just learn to deal with things better?  Will I always be this strong, or will something one day knock me down and leave me unable to get up again?  Sometimes living up to the expectation to always be so strong is difficult.  I know that I am, and am glad that I am…I really wouldn’t want to be any other way.  But sometimes, it just makes a little bit harder to open up to someone, or to tell someone that you’re having a hard time dealing with something…just because it almost dents your strength.  I know that it isn’t a bad thing to open up to people, but their expectations of your strength and ability to deal with things sometimes detract from the fact that maybe you just need a little bit of help….you need someone to help you be strong, just by holding your hand.

I really want to talk to someone about the 26th July…..I really just want to tell someone how helpless and hurt I felt….how guilty I felt that I wasn’t there when it happened, how bad I felt that the last time I was there with her, I ended up leaving the house in floods of tears…

We’re told not to cry so much, because their light to heaven becomes dimmer, and it’s more difficult for them to continue their journey.  So I tried, and I managed to hold the tears inside.  I kept them there, and today, here within me, they continue to flow.