Saying goodbye.

How does it become such a selfish time? Why does the death of a close family member show the hurtful, selfish, insular side of people … especially members of your family? They say it’s a time when you realise who your friends and family are. The truth of that statement has now been tested with my family – from both my dad’s side, and now my mum’s.

On July 26th 2003, at a little past 1am, my grandmother passed away. My mum’s mum, and one of my most favourite people in the whole world. She had the most beautiful aura about her, the love and compassion she emanated, and her kind and friendly nature are just a few of her qualities. Such a wise woman, with tremendous strength of character and determination. A stubborn streak which passed through the generations (that’s a good thing). You know, she was just the most welcoming person on this earth, and the most genuine person I have ever met, and ever will meet. She had space in her heart, mind and life for everybody. I can honestly say, 100% that I have never heard her say a bad word about anybody. That’s the sort of thing you just don’t find these days. And you know, it showed. Everyone that came to the house or called – every single person had nothing but love and kind words for her…she touched people’s lives…that’s a difficult thing to achieve these days.

Oh God, I miss her. I’m struggling to come to terms with the reality of the situation – the everyday living with it. Having to remind myself that I won’t see her again. She’ll not be there to ask me if I want tea, if I’ve eaten, and I won’t be able to be cheeky to her and say I’ll have it only if she makes it. When can we smile together again? Laugh together again?

I’m not ready to face another death. I don’t want God to take another part of me. I’m falling apart here. Broken internally.

I cried more that I did when my dad died. Seeing her lying in the hospital bed, shortly after she died, I couldn’t go into the room. I stood outside and shouted in disbelief. Over and over…..”no”…”no”… I cried and felt sick. Needed air. Needed breathe. But no, mum needed me….I needed to see my nan…let her know I was there.
“This isn’t real” – the sentence replayed over and over in my mind.
Disbelief.

I know she’s in a better place now. She had Parkinson’s disease and life had become difficult. But you know, to see the joy and sparkle in her eyes when we went to visit her at home – I’ll miss that….I do miss it. The way she was suddenly cured of all her ills when my sister took her son round to see my nan…..she would get up and make space for him, play with him, entertain him…everything! She was a great grandmother who touched his life in the few months she knew him. He was captivated the first time he saw her….they instantly clicked..as though they had known each other in a previous life. You know, I think he misses her a bit too, he seems to know she isn’t there anymore, and he gets upset. I like to believe that he can still see her, and that they talk ocassionally.

She brought me up for much of my life – I was lucky enough to have that. But I miss you. I just want to be a kid with you one last time, re-live some of our happy memories again.

I just want to see you and say thank you. You did so much for me and my sister. You loved us like no-one else will, and you taught us humanity and to accept people as they are. We are blessed to have been a part of your life and to have been so special to you.

Baa, I love you. Bhagwan tamara atma ne shaanti aape. Om shaanti, shaanti, shaanti.