tonight.

my old affair has rediscovered me. and in my desire to be there for him as a friend, as a confidant, as a shoulder to cry on, it has avalanched into a catastrophe. i don’t know how else to word it, except these are the thoughts that run through my mind, and i thought to myself that i might not ever remember precisely how i felt at this moment in time, tonight, so i should write it down.

he came to me tonight. and i, a weak-willed whore, caved. and not in a physical way, but i told him i loved him (and i do, i love him dearly), but i whispered it. during moments like those, you can’t whisper “i love you” in return.

the other night was the first time we’d really talked in a while. we sat in his car out in the country, talking, thinking out loud. he laid his head on my chest, he even cried a little.

what am i supposed to do when a man i nearly started a life with tells me he is in love with me three years later? i don’t know how to react, and i feel myself so distant and untouched, but at times like tonight, i think without thinking, i feel without feeling, and now i am crying.

i am crying, and truly the first thing i said when my tears began was, “i love my husband.” i love him dearly, wholly, so endlessly and effortlessly and comfortably, like a child loves the warm embrace of their own home.

but in truth, i do not think he loves me. or is he even capable of love? i feel sometimes as if my husband is a monster, a silent one. he looks and talks and feels and reacts nearly the same, but he’s just a man who doesn’t really care? what is he, what does he feel. and when i ask him if he’s still in love with me and he says yes, i don’t believe him. i know he’ll never leave me, because that’s who he is – a solid rock devoid of tears.

my fear and paranoia will tear me apart. because i do not trust my husband, i cannot trust myself. i don’t understand why i do the things i do, is it out of some deep loneliness i can’t escape? he’s there, he’s in front of me, but i can’t touch him or feel him. everything’s so base and flat and monotone, just an endless day of days, trudging on in our marriage, in our relationship, and i am always fine.

until tonight.

until tonight, when an ex-lover who is still in love with me came to me. and i caved in for a few minutes, until we got our bearing, and when he left, instead of rolling over and pretending that guilt doesn’t exist in my world and that i can hurt them just as easily as they injure me…

instead of that i just start crying and turn into a mess.

so here i sit, a mess.

a silly, crying mess. with a husband i can’t trust, and here i begin my endless hypocrisy.

i think if i could trust my husband, i could truly be happy. but i will never trust him. and i will never believe the things he says. and so i will continue to do what i want and please?

i will be destroyed.

everything, in the end, will somehow be destroyed.