happy, at least for today.

Today was pretty bad-ass. 

I woke up early, made myself avo and fried egg on toast for breakfast, and then went to yoga.  It’s so great to do group exercise.  I should really do it forever and ever, no matter what it is.  It doesn’t even matter what it is.  It’s just so good for me.  And it makes me feel good to be alive.  So thanks, Ekura-san, for the invitation.  It will be a regular thursday morning event from here on out.  Minus the time I’m in Nepal.  But that’s bad-ass, too.

Then I came home and did my best to conquer my procrastination tendencies, only allowing myself a little over an hour of internet-surfing/blog-reading/podcast-listening, before I fucking buckled down and wrote my application for service in Bolivia.  I finished that shit.  That’s right, finished it.  It’s done.  I just have to wait for my references to send me their contact info, and that shit is in the mail.  The email.  So instantly in the hands of the recruiter.  Bad-ass.

So then I went to work and had a fucking awesome day.  I went early so that Ekura-san could help me with my yoga paper work.  Upon my arrival everyone was all "you’re here early," with surprise, and then they proceeded to flatter my ass off.  I couldn’t believe it.  My boss is a nice yet sometimes socially awkward person, who is pretty by the book, professional, and kind of a hard ass in a good way most of the time.  So she and Ekura-san and Ayaka-san (two other teachers) were talking in Japanese when I walked in, no idea about what.  So I minded my own business, took a seat at my desk, and started working on my shit.  Then they brought me into their conversation and told me that Ekura-san was going to teach with me today for my B class (she’s not one of my teaching partners, so though we are friendly/becoming friends, we have never taught together).  I asked why, and my boss told me that Ekura-san wants to observe me teaching because the word had gotten around that I’m a really good teacher and she wanted to learn from me.  I just about melted.  I have never received such a complement.  Then my boss proceeded to tell me that she wants Brandon (the other foreign teacher) to observe my class too, because she wants him to follow my example.  Again, with the melting.  Thankfully, Brandon was not in the room.  So I felt so incredibly flattered and humbled, but honestly a little awkward too, because Brandon is my friend and I don’t want him to feel bad. 

But here’s the thing.  The last few days, I’d had my confidence shaken a little bit.  The first thing that happened was that I had one of my more challenging students test the limits, and I made a bad decision to enter into a power struggle with him.  Thankfully, after my initial mistake, I realized what I had done wrong, and did my best to amend the situation.  But, it felt really shitty, as it always does when you make a poor choice with a child.  I imagine parents feel this way sometimes.  I recovered, but it sucked.  The same or next day, not sure, I planned a lesson for my upper level class that was a little too hard, a little too beyond their reach.  This also sucked, and I felt bad for putting them in an impossible situation.  I managed it ok, and made it work, but right after the lesson, my boss mentioned to me that the students told her the lesson was too hard.  She wasn’t being critical or hard on me, I think just trying to help me and be honest.  But it was a bit of a blow to my ego.  Though I know that this is a pretty normal challenge that comes with teaching a lot of different students at all different levels, I started thought-spiraling a bit at that point thinking crazy shit like "I’m really not cut out to be a teacher," and "who do I think I am–I’m so faking this shit." 

Now mind, this ego spiral didn’t come out of these things alone.  It also had to do with how I’m feeling really like I really want to do a better job of planning meaningful lessons for my upper level students, and every time I throw together something at the last second, I feel like shit, though that is the status quo and really, I’m not being asked to make crazy involved lesson plans every week.  My upper level classes are only 30 minutes, and I only have 5 a week.  The other teacher always prepares the day of, and when I took this job, I was told that was completely acceptable.  And that’s been ok, I just feel like there needs to be some thread of continuity in these lessons.  There needs to be some greater plan that connects the ideas and concepts of English and gives them a framework to work with.  But really, they are conversation classes, not grammar lessons, so I think I’m over-analyzing it a bit.  The point is, that’s been wearing on me for awhile, and then with those two weird things that happened at the beginning of the week, I was feeling like a shitty teacher.  Then, enter today.  The most humbling compliments I have ever received, such validation.  Such assurance and support. 

And after Ekura-san obeserved my class, she took me aside and said that I was the best English teacher she had ever met.  She said she thought I was completely cut out for this work, and that between me and her, she wished she could teach every lesson with me.  Mika (my regular co-teacher) wrote me a note on my birthday with similar sentiments, and it was brought to mind.  I had this sudden incredible feeling of overwhelming support and appreciation from all of my Japanese co-workers, and it was just so much.  Melt.  It is so incredible to feel like you’re doing good work, and to be really valued for it.

So I’m feeling pretty humbled.  I’m feeling like I need to cut myself a little slack and trust my abilities.  And I still know that this job isn’t my calling, but knowing that I can do it well makes me feel like I can do anything.  I really trust my ability to care for, relate and connect to other people, and I think that’s really what makes me a good teacher. Maybe my strong belief in accountability is part of it too.  Either way, I’m really feeling this bigger thing inside.  This huge surge of confidence, that there is something big out there for me to do.  Not that I’m so awesome like some sort of genius.  Just that I know I have some real strengths, and I just have to find the right niche, and I feel like I’m going to take off.

Well, now that my application for one option of how to fulfill my big dream is finished, and I can submit it really soon, I feel a momentum growing.  What’s going to happen?  Who am I going to become?  What work am I going to do?  I can barely wait.  I can barely contain my anticipation.  I really feel like I’m on the edge of something huge and beautiful, about to take a massive leap. 

Wish me luck that I have a strong landing!