apethetic spiral of laziness

It’s beginning to feel like a cycle that will always be a part of my life.

I don’t want to resign to that, but there’s this weird thing–like a self-destructive, endless circle that I go through.  I get inspired or off my lazy ass for a few days or a few hours here or there, but I always come back to this place of complacency.  I have a "to do" list a mile long in terms of personal projects and future goals, and it is utterly untouched.  The only things I ever accomplish involve some degree of accountability to other people.

I have no ability to prioritize.  I do what I want to when I want to and so nothing ever gets done.  My lazy self consumes me most of the time, and so I have this weird growing pit in my stomach that is a mixture of guilt, shame, disappointment in myself, and fear that I really am not who I claim to be.  Even worse, that I really don’t even want to be the person I say I want to be.  If I wanted it, I would be working at it, wouldn’t I? 

I’ve been feeling so weird lately.  Every time I go home from work, I feel this incredible pull to my computer screen.  I feel like I need to be watching TV or movies, reading blogs, doing something on the internet.  I seriously feel the pull.  But there is a strange new development lately, which is though I feel the pull, there’s this other part of me that feels kind of sickened by it.  And yet, I can’t resist it.  It’s like how a smoker knows that what they’re doing is disgusting and unhealthy, but they just.  can’t.  quit. 

I think it’s gotten to a point where I’m using my social life as the same kind of distraction, too.  There’s so much to do, so many people to meet, go go go go go.  And I don’t actually do anything at all unless I do go out and meet these people.  But sometimes it’s just for random bar hopping and drinking and it ends up being all night and then my next day is toast and I feel the pit in my stomach again. 

I feel so weak.  I feel so selfish.  I feel like I’m living a life that is all about instant gratification, and has nothing to do with the long term rewards of living intentionally and with presence.  I’m so stuck.  And I have no one to blame but myself.

It’s time to pick up the new earth again, I think.  Or something of that nature to kick my sorry ass into gear.  ugh.