liberation

I can’t believe what a weight has been lifted! 

Is it really true that so much of the torture I’ve put myself through comes down to one simple reality?  Simply: hiding?

I have hidden my true feelings from this other person–from Kevin–for years.  Forget that they are immature, unformed, based on ego, wrapped up in a seeking for something completely unattainable.

What it seems that it all comes down to is that I was afraid.  I was living in fear.  I felt I wasn’t justified in telling him how I really felt.  I felt restricted by the confines of a relationship I made for myself that was unsatisfying, not fulfilling, and acting as a further disguise from the things I really want in life. 

For the first few years, I suppose I felt justified because it was "too soon."  But what’s been going on in the time thereafter?!  Why the hell have I hidden the truth from him?!  I am so liberated at this point, and I have yet to hear two words from him in response.  The fact that I have nothing to hide behind any longer, that I can no longer retreat to my fantasy of a world that I create with a fictitious him, I feel so, SO much more in the now.  That that world is shattered by the reality of the honesty I have shared. 

WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF!!!!

I don’t knon what I’ve been doing all these years.

ok–amendment.  I knew that he was with someone else for awhile and I held back because I felt that wasn’t fair. To him, or to her.  But from his last email, it seemed he might be alone now.  That’s not something he expressedly told me, but what he did tell me seemed to lead in that direction.  So I guess that, and myself being single, led me to feel free to put all my cards on the table.  I guess there was a part of me that didn’t want to disrupt his flow of life, if he was with someone else.

anyway!  I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.  And of course, I’m pretty damn curious about his response.  But I’m not all pins and needles like I expected.  I’m not even slightly concerned about it.  The main thing I was concerned about was the first contact.  The first expression of this huge secret I’ve had locked up inside.  But now that it’s out, it seems like such the smallest deal. 

I can handle this.   I can move on.  I can be myself, independent and strong.  I don’t need to be defined by this person, or what he thinks of me.  I am beautiful.  I am strong.  I am a whole person.  I can do this.  I’m going to have an amazing year.  I’m going to have an amazing REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!