05/17/2013

I just watched a TED talk by Meg Jay that made me cry.  It was about how 30 is not the new 20, and twenty somethings shouldn’t waste their time, but instead take the life they are living at this moment seriously.  It was about how this decade is the most formative of our lives and leads us into the future of what we will be from now on.  It was about how if this time is not used wisely, it can lead to unfulfilled dreams and careers, partners, and surroundings that are less than what we want or what we can truly achieve.

That may seem obvious, but what isn’t obvious to me is that I’ve been secretly telling myself, again and again for years, that I have time.  And don’t get me wrong, I still believe that life is long, and we make a choice every day what our future will be. I didn’t cry because I feel like I’ve squandered my 20s.  I’m nearing 28, and I feel like I’ve made a lot of good decisions that have formed me, and lived pretty well up to now.  I feel fortunate to have worked in my field, to then have traveled, to have had meaningful work, to have experienced what I have.  But one of the lines that really hit me was when she said this:

"I’m not discounting twenty something exploration–I’m discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count.  That’s not exploration, that’s procrastination."

This hit me pretty hard.  I think I’ve been procrastinating.  I think Meg was talking directly to me.  Yes, I am making good on some of my dreams, but which ones?  I don’t think I’ve worked towards my biggest and most important goals since 2008.  I think I’ve tabled them with a litany of excuses, and a life that has an outward image of success and adventure, which in effect means that I don’t have to face a lot of pressure or questions about my future from those around me.  Yes, my parents ask those questions, and push me to work towards a career, but whose parents don’t?  And what’s more, my parent’s have been asking those questions and making that push since I was 21.  Before I ever drifted from my dreams.  I was too young to listen to them then, and at the time, what they were saying wasn’t pertinent–I needed to do some more drifting.  And what’s more, amidst the drifting I was doing then, I still I felt I was somehow on course.  And I was.  As time went on, and my exploration subtly morphed into procrastination, what they were saying didn’t change, though I was changing.   A person can only listen to the same thing so many times before they just don’t hear it anymore.  Now that I’m here and reflecting on where I’ve landed, I think that I have chosen this path because it was an easy one. 

Anyone who has any undergraduate degree can teach English as a second language.  That doesn’t mean anyone can do it well.  And don’t think I’m berating myself,  I am a good teacher.  But this is not because I am a hard worker, or because it is my calling–it’s because I care about the students (all people, really), I’m naturally outgoing and inquisitive, and I somehow intuitively understand how to help learners understand.  I am a good teacher.  But I am not an EXCELLENT teacher.  Why?  There are a few reasons, but most of all, I am lazy.  Or, maybe, the job allows me to be lazy, which has become comfortable in all the wrong ways. This job is not hard work, and if it was, I probably wouldn’t do it, since teaching itself, at least in this capacity, doesn’t really light the fire in me that is required to drive and make hard work possible. 

SOME English teaching jobs are quite hard work, and I will vouch for people who are working hard while teaching English abroad.  But, when teaching English abroad, it’s the case in many private schools around the world as in all three jobs I have had for the past three years, that lesson plans, time tables, and most resources are provided for the teacher.  The teacher just has to show up and deliver the material.  Yes, there is (sometimes) some grading, yes there is some behavior management, and yes, there is a huge difference between just showing up, and actually giving a damn and caring about what you’re doing.  However, this is not the insane, difficult, time-consuming work of a teacher in a traditional teaching situation.  Especially the work teachers in America do, with their non-existent budgets, overcrowded classrooms, behavior management challenges, and at times, poverty and very real violence.  Excellent teachers do a lot more than I am ever asked to do at my job, and go above and beyond their duties.  It’s hard, as anything worth doing is.  My job, is not hard.  And, thusly, the reward is there, but it is somewhat limited. 

The friends that love me might ask what I’m talking about.  They might tell me not to be so hard on myself.  They might say what Meg said 20 somethings hear all the time might from the world around them–not to worry about it so much, and that you’ll figure it out eventually. They’d point out that I’ve been working good jobs, traveling the world, paying off my debt, and building a life of wonderful experiences.  And this is partly pretty true, and probably what I would say too, when questioned or backed into a corner.  But really?  Do I want to be a teacher?  No.  Do I feel satisfied by this work and this day to day life?  Nope.  I just feel good that I get to have time to myself, make good money, and live abroad.  And this is catching up to me.  I feel lost, wasting time, and in something of an identity crisis.  To this, Meg says, "forget the identity crisis and get some identity capital–do something that adds to who you are."  Hell yes.

In the past few years, I have fallen into a cycle of passivity, wasted time, and intense, scary procrastination.  I’m so embarassed by how much time I have spent watching TV on the internet, and how little I have spent on the things that I say are important to me.  I haven’t improved in any of the things that I say I want to become more proficent with.  Including but not limited to guitar, languages (first Spanish, then Korean, now Japanese), and daily meditation.  I haven’t volunteered regularly since 2008.  And more important than all of these things combined, I knew after my first year of teaching English (and maybe even before I started) that this isn’t really my calling–but I have done next to NOTHING to seek out a better fit.  Something that challenges me, makes me grow, and compels me to become better every day.  Something that pushes me to push back on the injustice that I see in the world and claim to care so much about.   Something that breaks me opened every now and again in the way I know good, meaningful work can do, and has done for me in the past. 

I have made excuses before.  The first year it was culture shock, adjustment, etc.  The second year it was that I was working too many hours and managing a challenging relationship.  But now, here I am in a jobthat I admit affords me more free time than I know what to do with, I’m living alone in a great big house that I feel lucky to have been gifted with, and therefore have very little to distract me.  And what have I been up to?  HOURS upon HOURS of internet TV.  Downtown Abbey.  Breaking Bad.  Smash, Glee, Modern Family, The Middle,  Nashville, Madmen, New Girl, 2 Broke Girls, it goes on and on.  I can’t stop.  At this point, I’m recognizing it as an addiction. 

Ironically, the show that eats up most of my time right now is Breaking Bad–a show about vices, addictions, and where the line is drawn between bad and good.  It also says a lot, I think, about the way surroundings and circumstances can change someone.  The last few nights, when I finally put my addiction on hold for the sake of sleep, I close up my computer, and I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling.  I feel a sinking inside of my chest.  An emptiness.  My thoughts spin around and around–"What am I doing?  Why am I wasting my time?  Wasting my life? This TV thing is a drug… if I were one of the characters in this show, I would be a junkie–I would be sucked into that world and maybe never recover or come out of it. This is not rewarding me, improving me, teaching me, growing me.  And yet, I keep at it.  I have so much time here and now, so much opportunity to become better.  What’s it going to take to grab a hold of the potential and run with it in a good direction?  What’s it going to take to get my life back on track?  …Was it ever on track?  Or was it the people around me who helped me be motivated enough to do the right thing?"  My thoughts spiral on and on.

This is a big one I’ve been thinking about a lot.  The Essentialness of Community.  Capital E, capital C.  Maybe this is why there are certain moments in my life that I look back on, again and again, as my strongest moments, which brought out my best self.  City Year is obvious–so much motivation, hard work and community it was unreal.  I still had lazy days, but not like this.  There was no time!  Too much work to be done, life to be lived, people to be with and work with to make life awesome and meaningful.  Another one I go back to again and and again is of course my relationship with Kevin.  Will I ever stop thinking about him?  Maybe not.  But a new realization (maybe) is that part of my inablitiy to let him go might come from that he is the only person I have ever been romantically involved with who seriously motivated me to be better.  Who got me excited to get more involved in all those things I say I care about, and who also inspired me by all the good work he was doing with his life.  I’ve been with other people who TALK about doing these things, but he stands to be the only one who actually had action, and helped move me toward action in my life, too.  My curiosity around him won’t be curbed because (among other reasons) he is still making such change, working hard for the best things in life.  …But then, I don’t really know him anymore.  He has come to represent something just out of reach for me.  I believe the truth is that it’s my choice whether or not it is within my grasp.  I just don’t know if have it in me to make the right choice.

Am I doomed to only do good things when I have someone to push me? 

I think this is my greatest fear.  This is also the root of some of my sadness and a large part of my ego.  Can I really, honestly say that I just can’t accomplish the things I want to of my own will? Isn’t that a huge cop-out?

So how do I get my life where I want it to be?  It seems like the answer for me has always been community.  It’s a value I was raised on, but it seems to also be the reality of a lazy but compassionate and ethical person.  I won’t sacrifice someone else’ needs for fulfillment, but I pretty easily burn my own.  I will always do the right thing when I’m being held accountable.  So I need to find a place to be held accountable!  I need to plug into the communities that are doing the things I want and need to be doing in my life to feel like I’m working towards my best self.  Let’s hope I can motivate myself to find these communities, even here, so many miles from home, where it seems a little easier to find.

At times like these, though I feel lost, I am–OH–so grateful for good friends. Katie and I have a project starting on Sunday which is so timely and appropriate to everything I’ve written here.  It’s a week of structured self-improvement that we are tangibly going to work on together.  It’s a week of eliminating vices and adding healthy practices.  It’s a week for creativity, and reflection.  I really hope it’s the beginning of something, not just an isolated event in quite a stretch of unproductive passive waste.  But I have to be honest with myself–I don’t really want to give up my addictions and vices, even though I know it’s what’s best.  I know I feel so good when I do the things I really find meaningful, but it’s just so hard to make good habits.  My ego is strong–and hell if it doesn’t want the easy way.  There are so many things I am allowing my ego to keep me from.  As Meg said, "Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do.  You’re deciding your life right now." Damn straight.

But here it all is:   "Your ordinary day to day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become."

Here’s hoping, in my heart of hearts, that I have it in me to start making everyday choices that bring me steps closer, one day at a time, to the best version of myself.  The me I really want to become.