i won’t back away too soon

how is it, that you get into the habit of doing something–for years even–and then realize that you’ve stopped doing it for over two months?

I’m refering to reading updates from Katie on opendiary. at this moment, I’m working an overnight, which is something I’ve never had to do until tonight, and I’m doing everything I can think of to stay awake. Here we are, getting close to 5:30am, two hours left, 15 hours behind me, and it occurs to me that I haven’t read her od in awhile. but I didn’t think it had been that long. september 30th. That’s the last entry I read!

in that time, we three have:

moved into a new apartment
furnished and painted said apartment
walked around our neighborhood dozens of times
had 2 parties and 9 out of state visitors
supported chelsea as she stuggled through a shitty job, and chelsea battled through it to come to a much better space, a much better fit, and a much lighter load
watched A LOT of the wire
made a couple new friends
joined our neighborhood gym
all been challenged in ways that have pushed us each to our own limits

in that time I have:

gotten my bike all tuned up and ready to go
ridden my bike to and from work a few times (it’s a start!)
played at my first portland opened mic
discovered that my big sister is pregnant, and discovered that this is an incredible thing to get to be a part of
gone from liking to hating to tolerating to liking my job and questioning my deepest core values
laughed a lot and cried a little with the two people I have missed most in the past year
felt more isolated than I can remember feeling in my life
felt more challenged than I know I have ever felt in my life
wholeheartely missed a community and an experience which intitially appeared to be a second-string choice when that decision was being made
felt more sure of the stretching of my limits and certain of a lasting kind of growth than I can explain
wondered, hoped, worried about, and at last found some assurance as well as more pride than I expected for the country I was born to
felt more insecure and incompotent than I knew I still had in me to feel since back in those horrifying middle school days
spent many good days and nights with my parents–and found a deeper sense of calm and rest there than expected
come back to my house each and every night to find my real home. a place i want to be. a place i feel safe and warm and supported. a place i feel able to carry with me when i leave, partly because it’s never far behind. a place where i sleep, but where i also revive.

i have a lot of things in my head, much of the time. I sometimes let them pass and i barely seem to notice. and that is somehow good. but sometimes, i hear the way they sound inside my head, and i know that i did not put those things there, and think about how life is beautiful.

more than the way it sounds. the way it feels; the way it breathes; the way. it. is.

alive.

ah, i could burst.