by degrees

January 5, 2005

january-june

january04

highs

New year’s resolution #1: Let go of the past, live in the present, look to the future.

What must it be to know love like that. love that is breathless and wonderful and natural and everything and nothing all at once. how beautiful and awe-some and wonderful and indescribable. It makes me fill my lungs and close my eyes and exhale slowly and open my eyes and read the words again hoping to come closer to knowing love like that, and with all the moments of my waking life.

I went snowboarding yesterday! And I HURT. I fell so many times. I almost hit the post that holds up the lift. Katie really knows how to fall. She careens down the mountain insanely. I think Chelsea is coming with us next time. That will be amazing and hilarious and I really cant wait to see how she falls and screams. Does that make me a bad person?

Katie washed my hair in the sink, so i definitely don’t feel too gross anymore.

my first acting outreach class was today. i met some amazing people and had a ton of fun. i don’t regret my decision to take that class in any form at all… let’s hope it stays that way.

lows

I can’t get used to it, no matter how many times you do it to me.

I thought that when you said you missed me, you meant it.

i hate figuring out the housing situation.

I even got off the lift without falling!!!! that was amazing. Not so amazing: i fell on my way down the hill, landed on my wrist funny, and fractured my radius.

i can’t swing dance with one arm. fuck.

here is what i would like to happen in the next 24 hours.
1. roomate/housing situation = resolved.
2. class scheduel = figured out.
3. broken arm = healed.
4. sleep = no longer deprived of it.
5. all boys = either stop pissing me off/being idiots or just cease to exist.
6. The electric slide = become the solution to all problems.
while i’m at it, i think i’ll ask for a million dollars, a private yacht, and a planet named just for me.

as Katie, Chelsea and i drove back to JMU, listening to the lyrics of brand new, i stared out at the magnificent orange sun setting the sky on fire as it sank into the horizon. i contemplated where i’m going with my life. i thought about the people i love, the people i miss. i thought about my daily stresses, of class, of broken bones, of frustrating relationships. i looked forward at the road before us, and at Katie’s eyes in the rear view mirror, not knowing that i was looking at her concentrated stare. i tried to catch the beauty of the sun through the trees in the shutter of my camera, but i have a feeling the picture didn’t take.

february04

highs

bought on south street:
-hothot skirt
-arm warmers which match the redandblackness of the skirt
-james dean poster. how i love to wake up to his beautiful face.

the conversation was amazingly wonderful. and that if i had any doubts about our friendship after the happenings of winter break, they have vanished. i have not been so certain of anything pertaining to him in months. and it fills me with absolute joy.

today, i read. for FUN.

on the way back from video warehouse, chelsea and i were trying to get a ride, and so we were trying to flag down cars, but it wasn’t working. the highlight of this process was when i waved at this car, and started walking up to it as it was stopped, and the driver looked right at me, and then sped off. i wonder if she though i was homeless. as we walked back to the dorm, the bus passed us. “Fuckin’ A.”

the third letter was from him. i don’t think you’ll catch me frowning for awhile.

lows

in case you were wondering, “house of sand and fog” sucks big time.

it’s funny how i dont realize that i’m alone until i see other people together.

you always want what you don’t have.

i push it to the back of my mind and cover it with the sound of music and words and sleep. everything is monotone. i don’t care about my classes enough to really work hard. i haven’t spoken to those people from home that i love and want to speak

to, because i’m too terrified that i’ll get off the phone feeling more empty than when i dialed. i don’t feel passionate about much of anything. and i don’t have any right to feel this way. i don’t have any right to complain. i don’t have anything to complain about. life should be fucking grand. i haven’t lost anyone or anything important to me. i haven’t suffered. i haven’t gotten in a fight with a good friend. i haven’t even gotten in an argument with an acquaintance or stranger. i live my life how i want to. but maybe that’s it. maybe i don’t know what i want. and so i am living my life in a state of not knowing where i want it to be. maybe i need to care more about things that are important. maybe i need to take responsibility. i feel so dried up. i feel so poured out. what is fueling my existence? what is motivating me to get out of bed in the morning? the feeling that i’m obligated to do so? who fucking knows.

wow i am angry. and hurt. but i’ll get over it. i always do. even if it eats away at me until it explodes again. even if it means our friendship is different than i thought. even if i am being slightly dramatic.

march04

highs

on Friday night, i went to see king lear at the black friar’s theater. amazing. and i love Shakespeare a lot.

Katie and Chelsea and i went to the arboretum. why? because the weather was breathtaking. it still is. yey for skirt and flip-flop weather. we took many pictures that turned out quite well, i started reading the Da Vinci code, and i warmed my back in the sunlight.

my cast has been removed! my wrist works again.

I’M HOME. my parents took me to la terraza on our way home, and it was delightful. how perfect to go to one of my favorite restaurants on my first night back. and the night wasn’t even over, little did i know. but five minutes after i walked in the door and the phone rang. it was Chris.

i had an amazing time at the uva dance last night. too amazing to go into details. and the after party. wow. i love blues dancing. …and some other things i had never done before last night/this morning. let’s just say i think i’m out of that funk.

when i began to thank him for everything, he immediately remembered the card i sent. i could hear the gratitude and love in his voice when he said, “i really appreciated your card. it meant a lot. …it was beautiful. thank you.” it was the tone of his voice that made me come near to tears again. it felt like he knew, if even for a moment, just how much i love him, just how grateful i am for everything he does. that’s the one thing i want my parents to know more than anything else. that’s something i feel like i will never be able to express to my parents, but to hear that in his voice, i almost felt i did. what else is there to say.

monday was mexican monday and lovely. it was also drive to elkton while blowing bubbles and making people smile day.

lows

last night, at 7:00, i finally flew home. i was supposed to get in the previous night at 9. my flight got cancelled, but not before waiting in the airport for 8 hours for them to tell us that the flight was cancelled. yey delta. at least they paid for the hotel room i stayed in that night, and gave me a meal voucher for four whopping dollars.

i don’t like feeling shitty and second rate. i don’t like wondering if this is as good as it gets. like i’m never going to find someone who wants to know me. who thinks i am amazing and wants more than anything to find out if i am or not. i don’t like wondering if there’s something wrong with me. i don’t like feeling like everyone in the world has someone, or easily could and i don’t, though i feel like that’s what i want. i want someone to understand me. to know me for me. to feel comfortable around. to care when i’m feeling like shit. to pay attention to me when i need attention. i know that it’s selfish and stupid and there are so many people worse off than me, but i can’t stand this. i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i have never felt so underconfident and alone as i do right now. i have never felt so ignored. like a fucking picture on the wall. a picture that is beautiful and amazing and a work of art, but that everyone just breezes by on their way to the mona lisa.

i’m really worried about my grandma. she is very ill. prayers are appreciated and accepted.

chris still has feelings for me. wtf. don’t know how to feel about that.

april04

highs

MAC ROCK!

if he’s out there, a great big thanks and a high five to “will,” for entertaining Chelsea and i with his drunken questions about Harrisonburg<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-F

AMILY: Garamond”> sodomy laws, among other things. oh my. what an evening.

what an amazing day it has been. a day of reflection, of realizations, of re-evaluation. a day for figuring things out, a day for listening to myself. a day for prayer, a day for remembrance. a day where i force myself to feel things that i sometimes would rather hide.

we also bought a strobe light. and a red roatating beacon light like that which you would find on top of a police car. we just had a dance party in our room. chelsea, katie, me. ace of base, 100% pure love, veruca salt, the milkshake song, requiem for a dream, beastie boys, bohemian like you. mad raver biatches, that’s what we are. no need for speed here, yo. all i need is katie’s kit for survival: tampons, gum, a mad dance mix, and a strobe light.

i have decided my favorite thing in the world is live music. i love feeling the bass and drums vibrating in my chest. i love watching all the people sing along to the songs they love. to the lyrics they have memorized so faithfully because they have meaning in each of their lives for some reason or another. and yes, the moshing. that was a new and exciting experience.

blue ridge boogie was lots of fun. i learned SO many new things, but i’m afraid they’re all going to leak out of my head. new lindy basics, new Charleston variations, musicality, lots of things with style, swivels, etc. my legs are so sore, and my arms too from keeping frame. i met some amazing dancers this weekend who i’m really jealous of. i hope that i can learn to dance that well one day.

Lows

MY 4 MONTH OLD COAT IS COVERED IN PURPLE AND YELLOW PAINT.

our room is DISGUSTING.

i fear the future. i fear the unknown. what it is to be human. i fear the day that i won’t know what’s coming next. i fear losing touch. forgetting how i feel about those i love. loving someone else. i fear pain. i fear what i may never become. the things that i want to be but do not know if i have the strength of character to be. the feeling of wanting something so desperately, but knowing that it will be difficult to accomplish. the feeling of wanting to rid myself of my arrogance, my pride, let go of all anger and hate.

i’m going to miss chelsea and katie so much next year. i don’t want to think about it. because it makes me feel like crying.

soimpossible531 (6:27:22 PM): so i think my head is going to explode right now, and if anyone pisses me off, they’re going to loose a body part
FuzzyInferno (6:28:22 PM): I’ll keep that in mind

how did that year fly by? where the hell did it go? my heart is all achy. it hurts because i miss home, but it also hurts because i’m going to miss this year. the way that i live and who i live with. it hurts because it knows that Bryan may only be here for one more semester. it hurts because i feel things i don’t want to. it hurts from stress and worries. it hurts because i may not see Amy this summer after all. no girl trip like we do every year. traditions that die make me sad. i hurt because i suck at good byes and i get too attached to people/things/places. i need to stop doing that.

may04

highs

thanks girls. for all it’s ups and downs, it’s been a pretty decent year. and i know one thing. i wouldn’t have made it without you.

yesterday was my day. it was a good birthday.

lows

so this is it. i’m sitting here, all my things in bags and boxes, the computer’s the last thing to go. I just said goodbye to Katie and then Chelsea. my parents will be here any minute. the dorm is once again, a ghost town. why am i always the last one to leave? i won’t be home until Tuesday, so now i have this gap of being between places. not home, but not at school. in the words of Katie, “that sucks.” i wish i could close my eyes in Virginia and open them in Oregon.

i hate that i care and i hate that it hurts and i hate that he doesn’t get it. what the hell is wrong with me. this should not matter this much to me.

as of today i have decided to stop giving him my heart. if he doesn’t want it, i’m going to stop offering. if he does want it, now he’s going to have to work for it. no more will i offer it to him freely. no more will i wait for his promised call, only to break down and call him myself. no more will i listen to his excuses for cancelled dates, forgotten phone calls, missed meetings. n

o more will i allow myself to be so wrapped up in him, wondering every second what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. i’m finished with it.

soimpossible531 (11:55:19 PM): but i’m still really angry.
soy kelmo (11:55:24 PM): yeah
soimpossible531 (11:55:28 PM): because its not that he yelled, its that he was drinking, and therefore yelled.
soy kelmo (11:55:45 PM): yeah
soimpossible531 (11:56:01 PM): he’s an alcoholic, he’s not supposed to do that, and i hate it how he acts when he drinks. he doesn’t do it often, and i know it’s because of all the stress my family has been going through with my grandma. but i hate it. he’s different, and i can tell. i know he doesnt think i can tell, but i can tell
soy kelmo (11:56:28 PM): yeah
soimpossible531 (11:56:38 PM): and so i’m like, fine. and he’s like talk to me. and i’m like what is there to say? i hate it when you drink. it makes me angry. you’re different and i dont like it.
soimpossible531 (11:56:48 PM): and he’s like i’m sorry. i’ll keep that in mind.
soimpossible531 (11:56:52 PM): i’m still mad. we didnt really work it out
soy kelmo (11:57:11 PM): keep it in mind
soy kelmo (11:57:13 PM): excellent

Im beginning to wonder, am i going to fall apart, every time i see him.

i knew that pretending that nothing had changed would hurt. and i knew that i would have to do it. knowing it ahead of time doesn’t help.

june04

highs

i somehow managed to make my way to dead center, very front row. i couldn’t believe that i could hear the music coming out of his mouth, not just the speakers. that i could make out the droplets of sweat forming on his brow. like so many at that show, i too, sang my heart out. you would have to have been there to understand why i didn’t feel like a ridiculous idiot at the time. there was something amazing about it; to feel all the memories good and bad of the past year become unglued in those lyrics. in that music. to feel it in my chest. in my gut. so loud and real i could feel it tremor through the floor. this is why music is life. and not just dashboard. my favorite musician(s) may change over time; they have in the past. what makes the music matter is whether or not it means more than a catchy tune to hum or a good beat for dancing. i hope that one day i’ll write a song that is more than that. that has that kind of weight for someone. what a powerful thing.

lows

yes, i do have mono. and no, it isn’t much fun.