some needed good

i had a really good time tonight.  the best part was, that i wasn’t really *doing* anything.  i was just hanging out with kelly and allison and kim and chris (h.) and daniel.  and kim and i actually were getting along really super well.  that’s right, i was hanging out with kim, and we got along swimmingly.  half of me is completely surprised and amazed, the other half is saying “it’s about fucking time.”  i’m really glad for that because kelly loves her and i love kelly, so i feel it would be good if kim and i liked each other.  what makes me sad is that if we had hung out sooner, maybe i would have discovered sooner that kim is pretty cool.  i wouldn’t have dug a hole around her and put up the “off limits” sign in my mind.  think i was unnecessarily critical of her just because i’m so protective of kelly.  and i don’t want her to be hurt.  and since kelly and i talk about everything, i always heard about when kim was hurting kelly.  thus, i didn’t have a very high opinion of her.  now that i’ve spent some time with her, i’m not just throwing out everything i knew and thought of her in the past, but i’m adding to that some good things.  i was unfair before, but what i knew of her was pretty one-dimensional so it was hard not to be.

it was really good to talk and laugh about things like normal again.  i felt so comfortable.  it was almost like when i’m with katie and chelsea.  i’m really glad to have this boundary dissolved.  that i won’t be all weird and awkward when i know that kim will be present at a gathering.  hey who knows, this could significantly change my social life for the rest of the summer.  kelly won’t have to feel weird about inviting us both over at the same time.  she won’t have to try and keep us apart.  i feel like a significant weight has been lifted.  but i think that also has something to do with how i haven’t felt this good in a long while.  tonight, i felt no call to impress anyone, no animosity towards anyone in the group.  on the contrary, i was excited about hanging out with relatively new people.  new to me anyway.  and people who i know are really cool because kelly has good relationships with them, and kelly is great so that makes them great. 

i can’t talk about this anymore.  i can’t capture what i’m feeling right now.

“sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits into this empty place in your heart.”  –my so-called life