it’s over. (repeat)

i have to keep telling myself it’s over.

i went over to jason’s tonight.  it was a lot of fun.  and the weird thing about that statement is the following addition:  it was a lot of fun, and chris was there. 

we played video games, chris, jason, eric, and i.  (what else would i do with 3 boys?)  i got owned.  but the fact remains, that it was fun.  chris acted like nothing was different.  and why wouldn’t he?  after all, he is clueless.  the hard part about it is, i knew this would happen.  i knew i would see him again, and i knew that he would act no different.  i knew that the possibility would stand that he might still have feelings for me, i knew that i would have no way of knowing whether he did or not.  i knew that he would hug me and touch me and flirt with me and look at me and make me feel for him, regardless of what his feelings for me were and are, never knowing that i had decided his chance had passed.  i knew that i would spend time with him again and that it would be fun and that it would remind me of how it used to be.  i knew that maybe, though it be unhealthy, the feeling of how it used to be would be the reason for it being fun.  and i knew that pretending that nothing had changed would hurt. and i knew that i would have to do it.  knowing it ahead of time doesn’t help.

i hate that i have to stand in front of the mirror and look myself in the eye and repeat “he’s not going to call” until i can convince myself that he doesn’t care.  i hate that i can’t stop holding out hope.  it’s over.  it’s over.  it’s over.  when will the heartache be?

stop hoping.