so this is how it’s going to be

I called him, and we talked.  I told him everything I wanted to say.  He listened.  I asked him about the truth.  He said he was confused.  The truth, I said.  He said he thinks of me as a really close friend, but sometimes he feels like I’m more than that.  I made him tell me the truth.  I told him that his response makes me think he is aftaid of hurting me.  I told him wondering hurts more than any truth he could ever say to me.  He and I talked and listened, shared gaps of silence, in thought.  I am thinking it is time to move on.  It is what I have been thinking for a few weeks now, though I don’t want to admit it.  Why is letting go so hard?  I tell him how I feel, that I care about him, and miss him, that he is my friend before anything else.  That this is difficult for me to say.  That I am being honest  because that is what he deserves as my friend.  I tell him that I deserve as much.  He and I agree at last that things could have been different if the situation were, but as it is, we should continue to be friends, and that is all.  He tells me that I am different from any of his other friends, that he can talk to me about things he doesn’t tell anyone else.  He compares me to his sister.  I am not disappointed.  What are we going to do about this, he asks.  We are going to leave it as it is, continue to be friends, and let go of anything else.  That is what I am going to do.  Strangely, I am not upset.  A weight has been lifted in fact.  I know where we stand.  I don’t need to wonder.  I can let go now.  I can stop ignoring the voice that has been telling me he is too young, he is too different from me, he isn’t right for me, he doesn’t get it.  I don’t have to ignore it anymore because now all my second guessing only confirms what has come of our relationship; friendship and nothing more.  Should I be more upset about this than I am?  I don’t think so.  I think it is good.  I can continue on with my life at JMU without being held back by the prospect of a boy at home.  I think that is why I was holding onto him for so long.  By letting him go, I was letting go of home, allowing myself to have a completely different and new life.  I didn’t want to do that.  I didn’t want to say goodbye.  I think that katie is right.  I think it’s time. 

New year’s resolution #1:  Let go of the past, live in the present, look to the future.