Nothing is ever simple…

I don’t know what to do about you.  All I want is the truth, though I think I already know it.  I want to hear it from your mouth.  Tell me you have moved on.  Tell me you just want to be friends.  But more than anything tell me the truth.  I am sick of guessing, sick of wondering, sick of waiting for you to call.  I am tired of being confused and hurt.  Even if we are just friends, you are not acting like a *good* friend.  A good friend doesn’t say they will call and then fail to do so.  A good friend tries to take advantage of what little opportunity there is to see me, when they know that I will only be here for one more week.  I can’t take it.  The pain of anticipation built up to result in nothing is not something I have not come to enjoy.  Did you think it was?  I can’t get used to it, no matter how many times you do it to me.  Even if you are just young.  Even if you have an arsenal of good excuses.  Even if you are clueless beyond all reason.

Listen up, you.  I want to tell you that I can’t stand this any longer; you need to make up your mind.  You know how I feel.  I care about you.  I think about you often.  I miss you.  I have been missing you for the past four months.  You are my friend first before my love interest, and that means that I must be honest with you.  This is how it works:  when you care about someone, you always tell them the truth, even if it is something that will be difficult for them to hear.  So lay it on me.  Search your heart, and tell me the truth.  I have to tell you that before I came home, I thought these feelings were mutual.  I thought that when you said you missed me, you meant it.  That when you said you thought of me, you did.  The things you said gave me the impression that there was nothing you looked forward to more than my homecoming, and that when I arrived, you would do everything in your power to spend all your free time with me… or at least some of it.  I have to tell you that now I am second guessing myself.  That I think you are saying these things not because you mean them, but because you think it’s what I want to hear.  Because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.  Because you feel obligated.  The lack of balance in our relationship confirms these insecure thoughts, in my mind.  Do you realize it how much it hurts me to think that everything you have ever said has been a lie?  I won’t be lied to.  I won’t be walked on.  I won’t be left crying into the pieces of our broken relationship, while I try to sort out exactly what it is that has happened between us.  While I try to gather some meaning from the shattered bits of conversation we have shared in the past 3 weeks.  It isn’t enough.  It simply is not enough.  So tell me.  What is the truth?

…continued in next entry…