pensive

missing home.  missing
family.  missing friends.  missing short-distance
relationships.  missing you; missing comfort.  places i
know;  places i have been.  driving in the car with you in the
passenger seat. driving to school, to guard, to choir.  to coffee
and jamba and ice cream.  tip money well spent.  driving with the
music so loud i can’t hear myself think.  i don’t need to think. 
i don’t want to think.  thinking involves too much reality. 

Familiarity.  sitting on the
curb at 3 in the morning for no reason but to enjoy eachother’s
company; to laugh, and to cry, and to listen.  you and i playing in
the sun, spinning colors and laughing like children.  soh-taying and
sah-shaying down the hallway to the cadence in our heads.  singing songs
that none of our friends ever heard before, with harmonies which no one else
knows.  i wish i could remain there forever.  swinging on swings
at the playground long after the sun has gone down– no concept of time.
 the only reality: that we are alive.  staring up into the sky on
a warm summer night, sharing our fantasies and laughing at our *stupid
girl-ness.* 
Remembering.  holding
on to the memories by walking through the same grass i
walked through when the memories were made.  looking at stars in my
backyard early into the morning, sitting next to you, my true dear
friend.  trying to say goodbye.  yet again i find myself
searching the skies for something assured.  looking at stars that are
constant and steadfast.  that never change.  that know what they will
be for the rest of forever.  that have no questions.  that never feel
lost.  complete and utter constancy.
i walked tonight.   i needed
to go and look at the stars and think and sing and cry.  i don’t want to
feel better.  i just want to feel what i do, so i don’t forget that i
am real and alive.  i need to know that i still can choose my
life. that i am still myself.   that i haven’t lost sight of
me.  i still can have some control.  i can be constant like those
stars– constant in my choice to change.  i want to be with the people
i love the most so i can tell them how and what i feel, and they can
cry with me.  i want to know that i am gone but not forgotten. 
distance hurts on those nights when nothing helps.  the nights when i don’t
want to talk about it.  when i just want to sit in the driveway with a good
friend and do anything but think.  i want to always be everything i am when
i am with you.  comfortable.  sure of my identity.  sure that i
am loved.  in our own reality.  with you i am in the presence of a
friend who has always been there, even when nothing could be done to make my
life any better.  you being there made it better.

attempts to articulate
something which perhaps cannot be articulated.

“And every time I
think of you, I’ll remember all the good times that we’ve had.  And every
time I sing this tune I will laugh, I will cry, I will close my eyes; cause I
know that it won’t be long… Until we sing, we will write, we will laugh away
the night.  And the good times will never end– when we meet
again.”

–Stephen
Speaks

  i love my kelly.