so much to say.

I’ve been at JMU for almost 3 weeks. It has flown by, but it
has crawled by at times as well. So much has changed in the past two months in
my life…

On the 17th of august, I was feeling sad and bittersweet. It was my last
night at home. As I got ready to go to what would be my last youth mass before I
would become alumni, I can’t even remember what I was thinking. Probably that I
wanted to look nice. Probably that I wanted to sing my best. Most likely, that I
wanted more than anything for Chris to be there. Mass went well, but in the back
of my mind, I was thinking how I would have to say my goodbyes in only a few
short hours. We were tearing down, and I ran to the back of the church to catch
people before they left. Chris was no where in sight. My heart sank into my
stomach. I began to hug my friends goodbye who wouldn’t be coming to the cookout
at my house. I said goodbye to a lot of the Mexico people– Dom, Caleigh, Eric,
Carolyn, Andrew. And then I got to Meredith. As I hugged her tight, for the
first time in a week, I began to cry. I told her how much I was going to miss
her. She reciprocated the feeling.

As I left her, wiping tears from my face, I went out into the vestibule.
Almost everyone was gone now… except Chris. I was overjoyed to see him. I
hugged him tightly, and immediately invited him to the cookout. He agreed
without hesitation.

On the drive over, so many things were in my thoughts. I thought about the
friends I would be leaving, about what they would say to me before the night was
gone, and about how much I hoped I would have some time to say goodbye to
Chris… alone.

As we went through the motions of a typical youth mass party, I enjoyed
myself thoroughly. We laughed and ate, laughed and talked, laughed and played
cards. Then came the affirmation circle. As I listened to each thing that was
being said, I beamed, grinned, and again, began to cry. Colleen’s words stuck
with me more than any others. She admired my self confidence and independence–
said she wished she could be that confident and sure of herself. This from the
most independent and self assured girl I know. I doubt anyone knew how moved I
was.

As the time grew closer to 10:00, people began to disperse, and I was forced
to say goodbyes. I must take a moment aside to mention my first goodbye. That
goodbye was to the Abarias, and took place the day before. The whole Abaria
family had to take Andrew down to school in California that night, and so they
wouldn’t be at youth mass, or the party on Sunday. That was a difficult goodbye.
Dominic and I looked at each other continuously. I had had no time alone with
him all summer to talk out our unresolved… issues. He had said he would call.
He never did. I was not surprised.

As we stood in my doorway that Saturday, dragging out the inevitable, his
eyes were full of something I couldn’t read. Perhaps remorse? Regret? Finally,
he hugged me long and hard. As he walked out my door, he turned back to me,
looked me deep in the eyes, and whispered, “I love you.” I softly replied, “I
know.” …and he was gone. He still hasn’t called. …and I hardly think about
it.

Back to Sunday night, I said goodbye to all my youth mass friends, but not
before we had played several extreme games of spoons, among other things. Of
course, I chose to sit near Chris and Jason, who of course, took every
opportunity they could to tickle-attack me. Good times.

The night was winding down now, and I was giving many goodbye hugs. I looked
at Chris and said quietly, “will you stay?”… “Of course.” Soon it was just me
and him. I told him I wanted to go for a walk; he agreed that it was a good
idea. We left the house around 10:30.

We walked towards the greenbelt. The sky was so clear. So many stars, but no
Orion. We crossed the street in front of the grade school, over to the grass on
the other side. I felt content with his arm around my shoulder, my hand in his.
We made our way over to the bench under the big oak tree near the tennis courts.
We sat, softly conversing about this and that. I leaned closer to him, and he
held me tighter. I remember staring up at him, watching him gaze out across the
sky. His beautiful brown eyes reflected the light of the stars, and his arms
around me made me feel happy, even in the sadness of the moment.

After awhile, I realized how late it must have been. He looked at the time.
12:30. We slowly made our way back across the field towards home. I was feeling
sad because I knew the time to say goodbye wasn’t far away, but exhilarated
because I was with him. We stopped in the center of the grass. The view of the
stars was magnificent, but all I could do was look at him, deep into those
chestnut brown eyes. He stared right back into mine, unblinking, in complete
honesty and vulnerability. We needed no words. We pulled together in a tight
embrace and stood rooted for an eternity. I felt the warmth of his hands rubbing
the small of my back, and ran my fingers through the smoothness of his hair,
like I had done so many times before. I felt like crying. I didn’t know what to
say except that I would miss him. He looked up into the sky, and then back at
me. He said, “When you’re in Virginia, and I’m here, and you feel alone, look at
the stars, and think of me. I’ll be looking at the same stars and thinking of
you. In that moment, we’ll be together, and you won’t need to feel alone.” I
began to cry. He held me tighter. “I’m going to miss you,” he said, for what
could have been the 15th time that night, but with such weight that I felt the
words sinking in, pressing against me through his embrace. “I know,” I managed
to whisper.

…continued in next entry…