Impromptu trip & bad night feels

I decided to take a really impromptu trip to visit extended family.

I worry all the time about them not liking me even though they’re the kindest people in the world. I think the feelings of not deserving them for how great they are really gets to me.

i stayed up all night with someone I rarely get to talk to last night. But I rarely get to talk to any of these relatives so I’ve felt bad for being a little vacant minded today from the tiredness. I’m still not used to getting much sleep lately but no sleep at all messes with me more.

All I want is for everyone to be happy but I have the darkest feelings at night and not being able to cry myself to sleep is really hard. Been trying to dampen my whimpers with a scarf and not fall into the same patterns. Maybe I didn’t fall asleep last night cause I’m scared of where my mind goes when I’m falling asleep.

im supposed to be doing a thought observation thing and I meditate and try to work through the rough stuff and I try but the depths of my sadness are almost too much to deal with. The relative I stayed up with last night talking to is very empathic and when the bad feelings came they looked like they were so lost. Could not make eye contact with me for nearly an hour, just trying to work through the feelings I accidentally projected. I know I’m loved and I know I shouldn’t feel like this but it’s so. Hard. Not to. I feel like I’m staining everything with my mind when I’m like this even when other people don’t pick up on it.

trying to focus on a tropical vacation my friend wants to plan for my birthday this upcoming year instead of the longing for nothingness. I honestly have it so good but sometimes I feel like I stared at the void and the void stopped staring back. Stopped speaking to me and moved on from me. And now I’m an empty shell I’m just trying to climb out of. Strong visions of my soul climbing out of my body crab/spider style while I was laying here a minute ago. Almost soothing.

anyway all things pass and this will too, sending love to anyone who reads this and hope you’re all aware how worthy of love you are