just about coping

Hey there guys and girls

not that im sure if anyone is even on here anymore so maybe give me a post if you are it would be interesting to see!

ok so well this is me my life is shit and i have to live with it!

warning depressing entry is about to fil from my fingers i can feel it! its only 12.00 and ive had half a pack of large minstrels in an attempt to give myself a much needed sugar high and chocolate induced head rush!  i have had neither but i do feel sick! woo friggin hoo!

ok so still salsaing and currently doing it most evenings of the week including teaching with Paul on a friday at our own venue and also teaching for someone else on a monday so things are looking good! um… uni is ultimately SHIT and i hate it! the course it crap and all my friends have left cos its so crap!  dont no what im doing about that yet but hey ho!

ok so things are shit with nicky and i and we argue constantly and btw i begged her back a while ago an she had unfortunately met someone tht evening and now they are together. so my life is crap and some days its still a struggle so do anything!

i having a very hard time trying to seperate my life and the life we had together.  let me explain there were things that i did in a certain way and things that were said in a certain voice when we were together that im struggling to cope with.  al i have so many memories o us that its hard to even find music or a dvd that doesnt bring us up  its hard to sometimes to even get dressed cos they have memories.

some days go well and then others not well at all.  i can find myself breaking down for no reason but maybe i just went to say something anf realised that its not her im saying it to and that upsets me.  jst looking around my room at uni is depressing as everything here has us in it! we didnt have seperate lives they were one and the same and now trying to seperate them again is damn hard.  im writing this because i havnt explained this feeling to anyone but im not actually sure there is anyone i can explain it to currently.

let me also try and explain why we ar e arguing all the time.  im very jealous so when i do eventually get a little bit of her time or somethin thn i want to hold onto it and dont want it to e a rushed 5 min talk because she is meeting other friends.  i want maybe 30 mins of just her time, she makes time for all her other friends and im meant to be her best friend yet she cant/wont make time for me.  we have memories of stuff we have done together and i find it hard enough when she goes and does stuff with her new girl that we used to do together.  not silly stuff like clothes shopping or stuff like that, like stuff we did as a proper couple.  but anyways i find it even harder that when now we eventually get along well enough to see each other and partake in an activity together (for example last weekend went and saw Derren Brown together) i get very upset when the next thing i no she is planning to do the same activity wth her new girl.  that was just our moment and now its another one of their moments again.  and i realise that it sounds silly but this girl has got every part of her and im tryin desperately to hold on to a sliver.

i no i fucked up, i no its my mistake, i no im a retard, every name under the sun ok not a day goes past without me wishing things were different and wishing i hadnt even come to fucking uni!

hmm hope you had fun readin that, wonder if anyone does even read this anymore let alone this far!

xx