Another Funny
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
New Policy: Effective from 15 MAY 2007
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
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Love it!
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES that you might not be aware of.
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused, remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Particulary like the daily thought!!