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Okay so I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Thank you, SELF, for being the only one who actually wants to listen to me. UGH. OpenDiary is being a slow biotch and needs to update and get with the modern world!! Gosh. Anyways. My days seem to slowly pass me by as I wait urgently for Thanksgiving break, which is not really a break, more like a 5 day weekend. ANYWAYS… my days have been somewhat interesting I guess. Let’s start with 2 weeks ago…
Friday: Went to tricking session with Matt and Cassie, met Jacob and Johnny. Jacob taught me how to combine moves and make combos. I really want to learn. Matt taught me how to do a one-armed cartwheel, and pretty soon I’ll be able to do a spiral kick in the air if I can do a cartwheel with no hands. It’s so hard! It sucks because in order to get better, you have to hurt, like, a lot. The really good people have the most injuries. Matt’s actually still somewhat disabled, he’s not even sure if his ankle has healed (heeled hahahahaha) but it’s not stopping him. Johnny was very kind and helpful in teaching me things, even asides from tricking. We talked about college and it soon transitioned into God. I’m jealous that he has an opportunity to go to New York and get paid to do what he loves (I don’t remember what, something in Social Services / Human Resources…).
Saturday: It was Mrs. K’s memorial service and Cassie’s birthday. I felt very awkward but forced myself to not be an awkward bitch and say hi to the people from my old choir class. It was all right, but I felt really sad. I felt really terrible when Mr. K went and did his speech. It really hit me when he said “tell the ones you love you love them before it’s too late”. I caught up with Kelly, which was really nice. I felt bad for Amanda, she handles awkwardness very well. I treated Cass out to Snowflake and went to work later. Michelle was in for the weekend, so Rene and her came to visit me. I couldn’t get what Mr. K said off my mind and called Surya and talked to him for the first time in 2 months. I felt pathetic. I still feel pathetic. He said that our friendship was the single most important thing to him. I truly want to believe that but it just sounds like complete bullshit. If it was, why have you not been able to respond to me? I hate how I’m going crazy and he’s doing fine. Do you REALLY get 3 hours of sleep each night? C’mon now. There’s no way of knowing if that’s true or not. Do I have a choice but to believe it? I have no right to be resentful. I did the same thing to him a few months ago. Sure, the circumstances are different but at least I talked to him. Ugh, but he talked to me, too. Damn it, this is so frustrating. I want to get over it and just be a normal person. I miss him. I keep having dreams about him. I want to move on but I guess it just takes time. I want to be friends with him still. I want to at least be old friends with him, like Miriam and Andrew. He said he was going to Skype me, but that never happened. He stopped texting me back after I asked him to take a picture of the snowfall in New York. Everything’s ending soon.
Sunday: I spent the day in SF with the family for Cassie’s birthday. It was ruined from the start. The only cool things I saw were the lights show on the Bay Bridge, and I was in awe or the creepiness of the abandoned bridge at night. Its silhouette gave me chills. I want them to do something with it.
Monday: I hung out with John for the first time in 2 months I think. It’s strange, transitions always scare me… there have been a hell of a lot this year. From life to death, from together to broken apart, from paradise to hell… so much has changed. That’s the one thing I can depend on though… change. I was the last person to hang out with Michelle and Rene before they broke up. I want my friendships to stay constant.
Tuesday: my Kabuki presentation went well, not much homework so that’s always good. Hung out with Azero afterwards and he introduced me to his friend Kenny. Kenny’s actually cute. We played mind games and I hung out with them in the Student Government building.
Wednesday: David and I had a good day. We hiked up to Wente, took pictures and talked. Afterwards we went to Paragon, ate at Japan Café, and went shopping. It’s really nice hanging out with him, even if he doesn’t talk that much. Jenny was super nice and didn’t give any homework.
Thursday: WEIRD, funny thing. Went to theater and hung out at Blush with Azero afterwards. He introduced me to his Dad. I was the 1st person who ever asked his dad anything. At Blush, some woman was saying how fine of a gentleman Azero was and that he needs to talk some sense into her son for his 18th birthday. She said that all her son wanted to do for his 18th birthday was spend it with his friends (Not gonna lie lady, that’s what I wanted to). Azero kept preaching about being thankful about his family and parents, which kinda was just stabbing at me inside. I guess I don’t appreciate my family or parents as much as I should. When I think about them I get annoyed. I hate spending family time together. I know that that’s something bad or shouldn’t say. I think I’d appreciate them more if I had some space away from them. I’m too suffocated by them. Too much of it can be a bad thing. Then the woman had to go and make a comment about how I have a very nice boyfriend -_- then we had to do that whole OH we’re not together thing. Although, I have to admit I’ve never seen a guy sweat so much talking to me. I went to work and came home. Funny thing… so today I went to the Student Gov booth for club day where I saw Kenny, Tam and Russell there. Kenny’s cute did I mention that? Anyways, so I made a mask at their booth and felt no need for it, and I ended up giving it to this random girl at the Philosophy club booth and she took it. Azero introduced me to her friend Jake, who ended up knowing Cassie, Matt and Arianne. So I told Cass I gave my mask to some random girl and she started freaking out. Her friend Kassie told her about some random cute nervous asian girl who gave her a mask and she linked the two stories together. Kassie said that she wanted to introduced me to Cass. Everything links up! Weird as fuckkk. I also went to Psych club and it was really sad hearing about how the war disabled that guy.
Friday: Ended up ditching Psych class… bad idea… so apparently we have a paper to write on a video and we have an Exam this Friday which I need to fucking study for because apparently I ditched class on Friday for the past month shiettt. I’m screwed. I don’t even remember what I did on Friday. I was so out of it, and sick.
Saturday: Worked from 2-11 pm because Danielle ditched again (YES more money for me :3). Azero and I ended up hanging out but then it got somewhat awkward. I’ve been getting used to rejecting guys and being a cold-hearted bitch. First we hung out at Emerald Glen Park but when we
went back to his car he asked if I liked him. I said I do but not in that way. He said that he was thinking he might actually want to start something like a relationship with me because I’m not just pretty, he actually likes talking to me and thinks I’m weird and interesting and that he can be himself around me. I said that I am not over someone, and to just get over me cause I’m a weirdo and not emotionally stable. He said that he likes weirdos. After I said I’m not interested he said ok that’s fine. BUT THEN when we went back to Blush he said Ok I’m just gonna get this over with… if not a relationship, how about friends with benefits? [insert screaming] Where I said NO I can’t do it, not again (and not with you). I might have considered it had it been Kenny. I have a thing for white guys, I don’t know what it is about them and I can be friends with anyone no matter what the race but when it comes to liking guys, it’s gonna come down to a brunette. Sorry. I am kind of a heartbreaker and I realize that now. I don’t know if I like it but that’s who I am. Plus I am currently on a boy fast. Boys are always on my mind but I can’t do this stupid thing anymore because it ends up where someone’s feelings get hurt and then we don’t talk anymore and it sucks! It totally sucks because that person ends up being a really great person and I just wish we could still stay friends but someone wants more and it just fucks things up.
So now it’s Sunday (well, technically Monday but I haven’t slept yet and it’s 12 so it’s still Sunday!!), and I haven’t done any of my homework. I’m so lazy. I want to work out, I felt so good working out… until I saw my legs getting larger T_T FUCK I just want some skinny, toned legs GOD and I want to get out of the house and make something of myself. I am a whiny bitch. Let me be. I worked on Ash’s portrait today, which turned out okay I guess. It still needs a lot of improvement. But I posted all the portraits I’ve done so far up on facebook. I’ve gotten a couple of likes on it, but it needs to be better. UGH.
Monday: Nothing much happened today except today marks the 1st day of the 30-day Cold Shower Challenge. Very thrilling, I love it. I feel hardcore already lol I have lots of homework to do but not much motivation. I’d rather take a cold shower again. I’m sleepy. Maybe I’ll work on it before class. I said I was going to edit Mai’s paper but I can’t
It is now officially Thursday and I am worried. Calluses are forever on my thumbs. It’s quite disgusting. I’ll update later