I don’t know how to apologize

This is my problem. My biggest problem is pushing away those who get too close to me. Then we end up not talking anymore.. or something like that. I’m such a bitch that way.. the only person I haven’t really been pushing away is Surya. But when he went to India I realized that I need to talk to people again. Well, it wasn’t really when he went there afterwards that I realized it, I always knew that I was getting really close to him and that it’s not healthy to push away others and let my boyfriend consume me. Out of all the days that I’ve hung out this summer, I only spent 2 so far that were not with him.

First day: Surya, Kim, Rene, and Mark at the mall.

Second Day: Surya, Mark, Christian, Matt, and Kenny at San Ramon.

Third Day: Dean at ridge.

Fourth Day: Surya at the pool and my place.

Fifth Day: Surya, Christian, Matt, Parker, Louis, Kenny, and Benn at Matt’s house.

Sixth Day:  Surya and his sis Athena at the fair.

Yesterday Seventh Day: Jenessa, Mark, Jenna and Youra at Meadows / Flute section party at Ambika’s

Wow I don’t know why I listed it I just really like making lists like I made a summer to-do list about 5 times now and they all say the same things but it makes me feel productive. There’s no one in my neighborhood that I really want to hang out with right now. I reallly want to hang out with Miriam and Mark, Jonathan, Ambika/Mina/Sneha, Brian, Eriel/Dean/Miranda, Ashkon, Katie, and I hate to say it but Dylan. I really want to see Dylan. I can’t help it, he was my best friend for like 4 years I can’t just forget about him. And he is my neighbor. God.

You know, sometimes I think everything I ever see on here is just bs. it’s all the same. it’s the same crap that i’ve dealt with for years now. my writing is just shit whenever i read it and i feel like i’ve always felt this way before and im tired of feeling this way and no one understands me SO MUCH ANGST wow im so emo right now not really actually my life is pretty good tbh but im not entirely happy i mean the only problems currently are losing touch and feeling afraid to ask my friends if they want to hang out with me because i always turned them down before and i really miss them and i was busy before since it was my junior year holy shit i hope they understand that but i still should have made time for them. i think i should text dean and jonathan because i owe them apologies. i owe jen an apology too but she’s still refusing to speak to me. i had to throw away the chocolates because they got expired so it’s been that long now.

IM AN ASSHOLE IM A BITCH THATS ALL I’LL EVER BEEE DON’T FORGET TO MENTION STUPID AND UGLY. Kay sorry — who am I apologizing to anyways? I know that I’m being an asshole right now because my problems aren’t even real problems they’re me simply being coward like and complaining and not doing a single thing to fix my problems ok how about this (Im just talking to myself right now self reflection is good for the soul it keep people sane so shut up)

Problem: Distancing myself from people when they get so close, so much that they never want to talk to me again (ok not always true im just not talking to them and not making an effort)

Solution: Sincerely apologize to them, ask them if they want to consider hanging out, and actually make it happen. I think. That’s what my heart is telling me to do. Ask them, how can I make it better?

Problem: Being really stupid and having blonde moments and being absent-minded. I really want to stop this. my dad says that its not cute anymore and im really trying not to do that on purpose. my friends are like wow and start clapping slowly and i feel stupid. my mom says that it’s too late to try and change that part of me because it’s part of who i am. Geez. I don’t always want to be put as a bad example. luke hinted that i was stupid too so that got on my nerves. i dont even have to say anything in my family, it could be a stupid action of my siblings and they’ll be like oh its ok its not as bad as ashley it happens so much its inevitable that thats the only way theyll ever look at me and by that they feel better about themselves. i mean i try to be happy with myself and not let it get to me but i hear it everyday that it’s impossible to avoid like i cant be myself and have fun without someone in the house getting down on me for being stupid like i kid around but i dont actually mean it

Solution: I guess I could accept that part of me, that I’m not smart and I should just have confidence that I am smart in other ways, like in art. you can’t really be smart in art but that’s just a part of me that no one else really has. i need to have more confidence in my self and not let others get me down. if people tell me i can’t, then i have to. that’s the only way i’ll ever really be happy. its my redemption, to prove to others that i am smart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow it’s funny how a conversation could change your mood quickly. So I just started sexting ( on skype ) with Surya tonight. It’s funny how I was crying to myself and now I’m being a dumb slut… jk not a dumb slut.. more like a smart horny teenager… yeah. I decided that I’m not gonna live by everybody else’s standards in a relationship and just follow my heart as it goes along. I think our balance of talking and being physical is okay. And I feel bad for him, I want to make him happy. He doesn’t get to hang out with anyone while he’s there. It’s just all work while I got all my friends here. At least I have some peace in mind knowing that he still knows that he has me that cares about him when he’s away. 5 more weeeksss. ughh. but this summer is gonna be fast. and busy.