ventures into futures.

I spent 4 days with my mum. She called it a holiday. We went to york, she complained about me being late despite it not being my fault and despite that she had told me its your holiday arrive when your ready. We looked around york everything I wanted to do “hey lets look in this shop”, “hey lets go in this bar, their playing fiddles there thats so awesome” we didn’t, it stupid and selfish of me yea I know.

On Sunday, she ran a marathon (she does this a lot, I do support her I do) I went and supported her, I did manage to look at some harry potter themed shops on the way to the marathon through which was good, got my step sister a Christmas present shes very easier to buy for as she likes the same geeky/nerdy stuff I do.
After we went to a pub with some of her runner friends where they proceeded to talk about running for the next 3 and half hours. I got out my kindle after a while and read. we were going to go to the bar I wanted to but they being a Sunday, there wasn’t live music any more, we went to different pub for food and began talking about looking for houses… I tried to be growing up explain how I was scared of it and my issues… she wouldn’t listen and we argued… I should know by now… she wanted me to nod and smile or lie and say why yes I’d think about getting a cleaner no no no nope, my mess is mine to deal with and no I don’t want some random stranger touching and moving my shit, and some how this is impossible for her to understand.

 I cut. again. fuck.     

i’m trying to be better I am. really.

The next hotel she’d booked back in manchester, well no in alderly edge where I work. (cos whats more relaxing than staying where you work) I asked if she could cancel she couldn’t 🙁

took us ages to get there and I had made house viewing appointments. we were late predictably.

Houses:

the first one was really nice, I could live there   alone? yea right Kat.
I really liked the fire place. it was spaceish also the man who showed us around was nice.

the second was naf. rubbish nope.jpg. the women who showed us around didn’t care either about us,

I was exhausted and cranky.

Tuesday we went around housing estate agents. Mum was upset I hadn’t arranged any more viewings. I got upset that she refused to let me do some of the chores I need to do. (like get new glasses) and we were right next to a specsavers. Oh well I guess. I know she cares but I had headache from wandering around the estates seeing what houses were like.  She means the best, she just wants me to be happy… and I do need to be closer to work.

person whom I’m sort of dating said they Loved me well my said it was the dreaded L word lol. I care about him and I definatly have feelings for him…. but maybe its too soon? I’m not sure.

today I went back to work. I stared at the monitor trying to be awake. I’m finally home now. I need to wash clothes and tidy. I don’t want to be such a mess. I want to be better.