2 Days

I didn’t stay at work yesterday. A few months back Villa hired a “People Experience Director” which is kind of like a concierge for the staff. She helps people with all sorts of things, paperwork, death in the family … I went into her office, closed the door and just sobbed. I couldn’t do it yesterday. I couldn’t sit here and smile at all the people coming in and when I answer the phone I smile because people can hear it in your voice. I just freaking couldn’t. Every time I tried I just ended up tearing up again.

The PED gave me some lifelines to call, and was freaking amazing about it. I didn’t know how to leave. I didn’t wanted everyone to know “Smiley wants to be dead.” She said she would just tell everyone I wasn’t feeling well – which wasn’t a lie.

I went home and listened to some depressing music until Nick got home from going out with his friend Ted. He rubbed my back and I cried some more. I went to Target and Costco with my grandma. She kept calling because she had heard I went home sick and she thought I must be on my death bed because that is so uncharacteristic of me. Finally I told her I was just exhausted and weepy and I couldn’t do it today. She said she understood and held my hand.

I’ve been planning on making chicken soup for about a week … but I thought I just had a bad case of the lazys. I don’t seem to want to get out of my bed. I don’t feel like doing anything. This is what depression looks like. I am a big believer in fake it till you make it. Normally, if I can force myself to get up and do what I need to do, I feel better … but I just can’t get myself moving. It’s been a struggle just to make it to work. Once I am here, I can get stuff done, but it’s not coming as easy as it should.

I just have 2 days. Today and tomorrow, and then I am off from work, away from stress and drama. I made an appointment to meet with someone after my vacation, so I am feeling a little better.

So, because people thought I left ill yesterday I didn’t wear any make up to work today … Ashley comes up to me and says “Wow you look like SHIT!” … I love you too cunt. I really am feeling better today. I haven’t cried once!

Since I currently don’t have a boss and the administrator and student administrator are out of the building today there is no real reason to look busy. I can take my time and do what I need to do as it comes. It’s freaking cold outside and I got a ride this morning so I didn’t bring a coat.

I have to pee and I am hungry.

That is all.