6-4-2011
I felt stronger lately until last night when my husband came in the door, because he said he was going to file for divorce yesterday. I got my same feelings back of anger and resentment. I took my youngest son to the dentist to get a couple of baby teeth pulled and he was lightly smacking at his mouth saying your ok. He is just immature about stuff like that, and then my oldest had a sun burn and he smacked at it, not hard saying it doesn’t hurt, but still a sunburn is a sunburn. He then told my oldest son something about them hooking up with hot blonds. I was mad at this point, not only is it disrespectful and hurtful to me, but also to our kids. He has been mentioning blonds to me lately and doing it in a nasty way to where my feelings are hurt. He lied about having an appointment for filing which I kinda figured, but then said yesterday that we have to get a mediator or joint lawyer. He has still been going to work out everyday, except I think yesterday he might have missed a day. Today he is gone all day helping his mom and dad on their house, while our house still has broken sinks, clogged drain pipes, and I need help with cleaning. He refuses to do any cleaning around here, because he said I am not working. While I agree until I start working I should take on most of it, I disagree that he can leave dirty plates and clothes all around and expect me to constantly pick up after him. Even when I was working, he was not doing much at all and barely here. He has this mentality that because we are divorcing he can neglect me right now, but what he doesn’t realize is that he is also neglecting the boy’s. I have taken on almost everything for our kids and he only cares about his looks. After he works out, he eats and goes to bed. I am just not sure I want this for my boy’s when they are not with me. I am not so sure he will step up to the plate, if he can’t now. I am confused as to what to do now. I want to be fair, but he is being so unfair, neglectful and rude everyday. I still do not write him or call him anymore, unless it is for our kids, but it is still a battle trying to get him to communicate. He walks around with this happy look on his face, like he is winning a game or something. I told him last night, "While you are going around acting like this is a game, I am dealing with the loss of our family and our kids are crying about the separation as well!" He is so self-focused he can’t see the pain in them or me. My mom thinks I should try for custody, because he is so controlling and sometimes neglectful to the boy’s. I am just scared that I will loose the boy’s if I fight him for that. He told me he will get a lawyer and fight me for them, and I just don’t know if I can take a life without my boy’s that much. We eat together, sleep together, pray together and I am always with them. My husband keeps to himself for the most part, so will he change this if I am not around? He has threatened that when they are with him, I can’t do a thing about how he is with them. I am concerned he will damage them verbally/mentally like he does me. If they get sick, will he put them down, or tell them to suck it up like he always does? If they are crying, are they supposed to suck it up like normal, or will he step up to the plate and communicate with them their concerns? I honestly just don’t know! I feel like I should do this in a peaceful way, but will he make it peaceful later on to communicate with, if he is not communicating in a peaceful way now?