5-31-2011

So, I have been keeping myself busy and not dwelling on the past anymore.  Not emailing or texting my husband.  It helps!  Not including I have been staying away from my husband so I can avoid the negativity and verbal abuse I get regularly.  I have felt stronger and more at peace just by staying away.  Though it still hurts all the things he has done and said.  Just knowing he wanted to leave me forever for stupid reasons, makes me not like him anymore.  I think in the back of my mind I know I could never be with him again.  I am much more focused on what I want out of life and it is not this anymore.  I have been miserable for so many years from being put down and controlled that I am confused and I don’t know who I am.  I know I want someone that loves God, and that is kind hearted.  I could be happy with just that alone.  I can’t stand by someone that watches dirty/bad movies every night, curses all the time at me and the boys, and never cares enough about God to attend church or talk about him.  I can’t allow my boy’s to see me being treated like a door mat anymore.  They need to know how a man should treat a women, or they will be miserable.  Do I still believe God can change him, yes, but he might not while he is with me.  It is going to take something dramatic to change my husband.  I have learned that my husband never learned manners, and that I am struggling with my kids to teach them manners because of it.   He had manners in the beginning of our marriage, but then quickly changed after the marriage into this mean controlling bitter machine.  He is nice to people on the outside due to reputation and pride, and it is sickning knowing I get talked down while he is super nice to his mom or anyone else on the phone.  Makes me sick!  If I knew my son was talking down to his wife like that, I would intervene for their sake as well as their families.  His mom makes excuses for why he does what he does or why she doesn’t butt in, yet she is quick to butt in when I don’t make my kids clean their room every time…crazy!  I feel like I have to make excuses to both of them all the time, and I should never have to make excuses to anyone.  i do things the best way I know how,and they need to focus on their own downfalls in life, or are the perfect…hmmm!  My husband can go back to his mom and they can live happily ever after!  God say’s "Let no man come between us!"  Well she has always come between us, as my husband has always let her opinion as well as his dad’s opinion count over mine for our family.  No women will be happy with that.  I am also starting to think my husband is leaving me because I have gained some weight, but he will never tell me.  He tried to get me to loose weight before, but I don’t like being told I have to loose weight.  He works out everyday, so who is he getting pepped up for a skinnier version…?  I guarantee it!  Sick!  I need a man that say’s forever, no matter what the outside, because the inside should be the only thing that matters.  Just like with God!