triggers and strategies

I had a flash back to a sexual assault I…whats the word?  experienced?  No.  Fuck my brain is fried its too late.  How about endured.  I endured as a child tonight.  It happens sometimes.  This particular flashback was one of the least unpleasant ones Ive ever had though.  It was as if time folded and I was there both experiencing the abuse and trying to explain to my father that he was going to damage my life forever by doing this. 

And I cant help but hope that this will all stop some day.  Maybe when he dies.  When I get the only victory I’ll ever have over him and I outlive him.  Not that I’d ever take matters in to my own hands.  That wouldnt help anything.  No I need him to go unremarkably and pathetically.  The more naturally and unspectacularly the better.  Like the way a goldfish you win at the fair dies 3 days later.

Of course this shit all went down at the least opportune time.  If there can be a more-bad time than any other to suffer a flashback, that is.  I was having an arguement(?) or something or other with Thai.   Long story short we experience a lot of sexual frustration due to the aforementioned abuse.  It wasnt really an arguement.  It was a frustration.  He was trying to cover me with a blanket to make me feel better, and that is usually what causes my flashbacks.  A feeling.  It can be the movement of a blanket or the brush of stubble on my cheek and Im transported back in time, reliving a nightmare.  So for the last couple of hours Ive been on the couch, an utter mess.  Not able to say much more than "no".  This flashback was somehow different though.  There was an odd amount of control for a brief moment where I could, in my mind articulate present day feelings.  Usually I just shake and cry. 

Perhaps this means I will one day win.

Who the fuck knows.  In other recent developments I have found that rocking myself back and forth is rather soothing/disrupts the waking nightmares.  I assume that this is because it isnt a sensation I ever experienced during the abuse.  Maybe.  Its worth exploration anyway.   At this point, anything is worth exploration.  I want my life back. 

Im trying to brain storm other ways that I can cause sensations that will bring me out of the flashback.  Perhaps a taste or the fur of my dog.  Perhaps some music.  Im going to try and experiment but its rather difficult since usually the flash backs liquify me. 

Thai has been wearing a particular cologne I like (Bang by Marc Jacobs) to bed lately.  That way I can identify him by smell and his movements wont trigger anything.  Noteably, we hadnt gone to bed yet so he wasnt wearing the cologne. 

I feel really bad for him having to deal with this.  I hope it isnt damaging his sexuality or something.  Hes very good at it.  I should probably go tell him that instead of telling you.