21 fragments of a ravenous holiday

I should prolly write about my vacation shouldn’t I?  Especially considering it is the only non-library event that will likely crop up in 2010. 

I don’t think you’ve been properly introduced to my vacation plans.  Reader, meet my vacation.  My vacation is actually a birthday gift from me to Thai because he is so fucking amazing and does absolutely everything for me from making my morning coffee to finger painting pictures for me and signing them from our pets (aka the furbabies) when I’m away to getting up in the middle of the night and shaving off his facial hair if I’m having a molestation flash back and psychologically can’t be near it.

He’s a god.  Basically if I found out tomorrow he wasn’t actually human (or found out something really dark and weird that proved he was) I wouldn’t be surprised.  So I penny pinched all year and got us tickets to maximum phun convention (spelled wrong to protect my entry from nerdy google searches by Thai and his brother).  Anyway I got him tickets to this weekend getaway for comedy and podcasting nerds.  He wanted to drive there.  Thats 40 hours in a car each way.  My car because his car is an old lady mobile from the early 1980s and mine is a teeny tiny asian car (too small for a dog and cat to share, not to small for sex to happen). 

As usual I did all the planning.  I like to take calculated risks on my vacation.  I like to be spontaneous in a really well thought out way.  So basically what I do because there is a history of mental disorder in my family, I like to plan for pretty fucking much everything that could happen in minute details with books and pens and paper.  When we went to Scotland for example I compiled a scrap book because I wasn’t comfortable just taking a travel book that someone else had written and reading it.  I’m thorough.  So I did that.  And what that left us with was basically a great big list of walmart parking lots to sleep in and a few random events we might get to stop by, but actually we didn’t.  We had no extra time on this vacation at all.  We left Canada on Tuesday morning, we had to be in California for Friday afternoon.  We left California Sunday afternoon, we had to be home before Thursday for my Spanish class and Thai’s band because his band went on tour to the east coast this week.

This first night we drove until complete exhaustion and slept in a walmart.  Thai’s one flaw is his love of comfort.  We only got to stay in Walmart parking lots 2 times on vacation, once on the ay there and once on the way back.  I’m basically a bag lady in training.  I can put up with any level of discomfort as long as no one is tempting me into the hot tub.  For instance this week while hes away Im eating like once a day and sleeping on a chair because its right there and simple.  I do very little to make my life luxurious when left to my own devices.  Maybe its a good thing I have someone to remind me about hotels with round beds.  Oh yes this story has a round bed in it.

Lets see if I can run you through 21 fragments of my summer vacation:

1.  We got stopped at the border and taken out of our car and questioned simoetaneously.  I got really nervous because Thai is such a nonliar that he doesn’t even tell the truth convincingly.  Everything was fine and we were on our way.  I think they checked our cells so there are probably boardgaurds out there who’ve seen my snatch….free of charge.  Just a holla for those of you planning to cross they do that now.  If you have a problem giving free shows to men in uniform, hit delete.

2.  1st night we slept in Jolpin, Missouri’s walmart parking lot, second night a hotel in Albuqurque, New Mexico, third night a route 66 themed hotel Barstow, California with round beds.  Round beds will get you laid more often than a walmart parking lot, which you wouldn’t be able to guess from all the fucking kids and preggos in a walmart.

3. We didn’t hit anything.  I did almost change lanes into a giant oppossom but I saw him and managed to slow my transition. Thai drove past a huge bastard of a snake.  I started gagging because his writhing didn’t agree with me.  No harm done though.  I was surprised.  I fully expected to slay something especially after driving through roadkill littered Michigan.  We must have seen 20 dead coyotes or whatever they were.  Begging the question What the fuck, Michigan?

4.We arrived near the resort early and had to pick between thrift store shopping and going to the zoo.  We went to the zoo.  Only my GPS thinks the place we were is a zoo.  Its actually some sort of state park with a herd of horses, 1 llama, 2 cows, a tree of heron, some grebe, and a stork.  Everything with wings was obviously wild and not actually in the "zoo".  We had to make do by feeding the ants chunks of gum and streams of energy drink and watching them indulge.

5.  When we got there we had to wait in line to register and at this point we found out we had a roommate.  Later we would discover that the roommate was actually on a different floor in an open concept cabin and the real worry was the people staying in the other bedroom on the adjoined cabin who can’t see you but can definetly hear you having drunk sex when you get excited because your roommate isnt there.But at this point we’re in a line and we’re wondering who our roommate will be and theres a lady with a baby.  "dear god I know I say things about you all the time that arent very nice but please punish me after I die.  Don’t make me share a cabin with a goddamn baby.  Amen".  Our roommate turned out to be a really cool guy with weed.  American weed so I didnt get high at all but its the thought that counts.

6.  Right away dreams come true.  During our opening session I had to sit on the floor and right next to me was Maria Bamford.  My bum was the closest bum to her bum.

7. I’ve offically decided something about this house is oppressive.  I very rarely feel like boning when Im here.  I don’t know why because I do pretty much everywhere else.  Just not here.  Vacation proved it.  I officially got to say the words "Ive never done this before" about something I had in fact done before probably for the very last time (baring the unlikely event of a threesome).  Why do women feel like they have to pretend they’ve never done anal before and why do men believe them?  Next on unsolved mysteries.

8.  My classes were improv and crafting.  Improv was earlier in the morning than Ive ever employed theatre arts before, including lying.  So that was tricky.  But it was fun.  Crafting was cross stitch and the girl teaching taught some bad things (my biggest peave was that the fabric wasn’t stay stitched) so that was weird. 

9.  The party was amazing.  It was "country club 1920s themed" and I looked wonderful.  Obviously 🙂  I poked one of the podcasters in the face with the giant pheasant feather in my hair but that would be the least of my sins…

10.  Dear resort:  the reason I puke

d next to your hot tub is all your fault.  I love pools and hot tubs.  Your pool/hot tub opens after breakfast and closes before dinner meaning there were no breaks in the schedule in which I could partake in water delights.  You also failed to actually lock your pool and hot tub.  So that when I got drunk and wandered around looking for a safe place to pee I wandered intoyour tennis court area by accident (and peed unfortunately.  Good thing no one likes tennis) and only then was I drunk wnough to try and get in the hot tub area.  Sober I would have declined saying "its against the rules." 

Not since the 1920s has a woman taken off her minks and pheasant feathers and pearls and  went swimming in the wee hours!  Im pretty lucky I didnt die.  I had just enough sense to go get Thai to swim with me who then kept me from drowning.  At this point I threw up in several places near the hot tub but not in it.  I know from working at a pool that this is a wonderous thing and employees will be forced to say "at least they didnt puke in it".  Have you ever been really fucked up, cold and wet and found a resorts worth of clean folded towels?  They didnt lock the towels up either.  I dove in them like a ferret.  Fortunately before I went to bed I had he presence on mind to erase the trail of discarded hotel towels to our room. 

11.  Speaking of room we had to wander the mountainside looking for our roommate drunk and wet because we locked ourselves out.  He was very gracious about it, probably because he’d been talking to this girl and he suddenly had a way to get her to take the conversation to his room I recall him saying "I really want to stay up and talk but my their my roommates and their wet and cold. I gotta go help them now".  HAHAHAHA  sure enough next morning, classiest scene ever.  Girl in bed with roommate.  Mostly empty bottle of jack and 2 champagne glasses on table.  Ive let Jack Daniels take me lots of places and never was I offered a champagne glass.

which is fair because I would have thrown up near it 😛

12. The next day I was so worried there would be mention of the incident at the pool.  There wasn’t.  Just a lot of comedy.  I laughed so hard at a dirty joke that one of the comedians openly made fun of me for being a pervert.

oh you’ve read my diary.

13. driving up and down the mountain was terrifying AND i wasnt even the one driving.  I was freaking out so bad that eventually I just had to quack like a duck because it was only making things worse when I said cranky shit.  Quacking makes things better.  Quacking tickles people.

14.  We slept at Fire Valley National Park in Nevada on the way back.  We got there just as the sun set and didnt think really.  Just paid and began setting up.  Then we realized it was so windy that our tent was going to blow away unless all our luggage and both of us were in it.  Fire Valley is surrounded by red rock formations so it was lovely and romantic.  No trees, no privacy, no out door sex…booo.

15.The next day I insisted we go to the visitors centre before we left.  This is where we learned about how wrong my snow white fantasy land about wildlife is.  I was thinking "neat there are desert tortoises and jackrabbits and armadillos out here" the visitors centre said "silly, tasty little girl there are pumas and tarantulas, scorpions and big motherfucking snakes out there.  There were jack rabbits but we ate them and now we will eat youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu".  So we left.  And as we left I told Thai how there may well be a snake in the car RIGHT NOW because they can get anywhere.

Travel with me.  Im fun.

16. Fact we didn’t eat any vegetables other than french fries anywhere except the resort.  I thought America had FARMS.  Another upsetting fact, the lady at the california border took my apples.  I would have preferred to eat them since no one irradicates harmful apples like MY TUMMY.  In fact once on psylocybin mushrooms I ate 2 apples in a row and left only the stems.  I can understand that there might be hazard but I wish we’d been told ahead of time.  I dont like being the love child of typhoid mary and johnny apple seed.  I respect all those wonderful tree hugger rules.  In fact I even came up with an innovation.  You can’t bring firewood to the US from Canada.  But you can bring telephone books.  And telephone books, as I learned while not being able to afford hydro in college, burn for hours if you leave them as a whole instead of crinkling up the pages.  I don’t know that its good to cook over.  But for warmth it beats the hell out of carrying dutch elm AIDS over the border and ruining free pollenation among trees forever.  No one wants to see a tree sized used condom in the gutter.

Im tired.

17. We also stayed at a hotel in Glenwood Springs, Colorado and a walmart parking lot in Newton, Iowa. 

18.We had perfect weather except for a short bit of rain while we drove on the way home and a tiny bit of snow in the Colorado mountains.  I was alittle disappointed in the Colorado mountain people.  The main at the visitors centre was nice.  But other people made fun of me for not being dressed for the weather.  Hi.  Twenty minutes ago it was FUCKING HOT out.  I was afraid to tell them in case it was like that movie The Village and they didnt know there were other places that lived differently just beyond their town limits.

19.  Its really hard to buy a gift for a little boy in the USA (at least at truck stops) everything is a GUN.  I got my nephew a whistle made of elk horn which he loves.  My nephew is a cartoon of a little boy.  Hes dennis the menace if Dennis sometimes said shit because his gramma sometimes says shit.

20. I got the top speed on our GPS.  150 KMs bitches!  I got the second top speed 140.  I dont think Thai ever breached 130, which is fair since I was constantly bitching at him not to speed.  Now we sit back, relax, and see if those signs about video surveliance mail-order traffic tickets are true.  When you get one of those can you take a photo of yourself crying while simoutaneously pushing up your cleavage and mail it away to get off with a warning?  Because thats how I honest to god deal with traffic cops.  Ill let you know when it stops working.

21. Our pets missed us.  My mom had the dog and Thai’s bro came for the bunnies and the cat.  The cat is just now getting over his need to constantly be near me.  The dog is less obvious because she still misses Thai who is now on tour.  Having me doesn’t satisfy her.  I dont wrassssle.

That was my trip.  It was fun.