I’m not pregs. I’m just sick & chubby & mean

If abortion is a topic you can’t giggle at you probably don’t want to read this one.

So I feel like hell.  I decided it might be because I’m pregnant.  I’ve never been pregnant but I’ve done enough things enough times that I should have been pregnant at least once, so this always surprises me.  Ya I know I was on the pill and then it made me sick so now we use condoms and pulling out and finger crossing, and coming on tits.  But even with that great combo of birth control shit can still happen.  So when I started feeling like my body was harboring a terrorist….I thought maybe that terrorist shares my mtDNA.

I went to planned parenthood today and peed on a stick.  Its cheaper than getting a home kit and faster than going to the walk in clinic (which you can walk in to but if you plan on walking out again….don’t hold your disease-ridden breath).

The girl asked me a few silly questions like "did the condom break"…nope.  "oh then why do you think your pregnant?"…Ummm cuz I feel like my stomach is dying and I keep yelling at my boyfriend for no reason & look at my tits.  Theyre bigger!!!

"those are all good reasons to think you might be but…oh look …. it says you’re not."

FUCK. 

"we’re you hoping to get pregnant?"

No I just wanted it to be this because then Id know why I was sick and I could just get an abortion.  Now I have to face the reality….Im chubby, mean, and sick….and I might actually have to go to a doctor.  Abortions are free…..meds are not.

So whatever.  Im not pregnant.  I won’t get to buy my "ask me about my abortion" tshirt and I wont get to stitch "Abortions are the best diet ever" into a sampler.

So I bought a shit load of healthy antioxidant type foods and Im going to try to get well.  Again you know how much POM juice and a bag of walnuts cost?  $12 EACH

Abortions….FREE

Ummm…..guys I cant afford all this malarky.  Why am I sick???????????  AGAIN!?  Its a little different than the time I thought I had an alien baby.

For those of you who don’t feel like reading back I humped a wax figure of Lou Reed at Madam Trasseau’s and then told my doctor I was sick….I hadn’t had sex with anything except the dry hump of the statue in 2 years so it became apparent that it was an alien hiding in Lou Reed or I was going to give birth to a toddler.  I remained ill for several years.  Every time I went to a new doctor for an additional opinion I got a pregnancy test and then sent away. 

This feels different though I think.  two thumbs way down.  Oh and none of my bras fit.   And theres that damn "I didnt know I was pregnant" show I watched a marathon of while doing laundry at my moms that one time.  Its making me PARANOID.

I need some pomegranates and walnuts.  Wear a condom and don’t make it a habbit of taking your dinner after you get home from work at 9:30 or you’ll end up like me.  Sick Chubby and Mean