A letter for Lucy

So Lucy and Linus are engaged.  If you haven’t been glued to my diary for the last few years I will briefly let you in on who they are.  Lucy was my best friend and Linus was my boyfriend.  They cheated on me behind my back for a year while I was at college.  Linus used me not knowing and her not wanting to tell me to still fuck me even after we did eventually break up because Lusy was too chicken shit to tell em she was with him even then.  She’d rather save her skin with me and have her boyfriend fuck me than tell the truth.  I eventually found out on my own.  I didn’t talk to either of them for ages.  When i finally gave up because we have a lot of mutual friends, oh and because I met real men who don’t act like that so I was glad to be rid of Linus as a lover, we became sort of friends again.  But she’d tell me awfult hings like how she was sure he was cheating on her.  I always held my tongue because I didnt want her to think I was just saying shit because I was still mad at them.

And maybe I am still mad at them.  But more than that I mad that the girl I loved as my best friend is with a fucking loser who treats her bad.  And now they are engaged.  She hasnt told me yet.  She doesnt have to.  Thanks to the maricle of social networking sites no one ever has to tell anyone anything that awkward directly again.  Shes been avoiding me for longer than she’s been engaged though which tells me somethings wrong.  Last time she avoided me for this long her parents had seperated and she’d been so depressed she ate so much she gained 100 pounds in less than one year.  And I thought, oh you’re exagerating.  But then I saw her.  She was not exagerating.  I tried to get her to stop smoking pot every day all day so she could get control of her life.  This worked for 3 days.

So now I’m regretting not telling her some things.  I’ve just emailed her to ask her why she’s avoiding me.  And because I’mm home alone and over thinking this right now, Im drafting the email I want to send here.  I’ll send it once I start the conversation ball rolling again.

Lucy my sweet,

This may be an unfair letter for me to write to you.  Maybe it was unfair for me to wait this long and maybe there was never a time when it was fair.  But as someone who has loved you for so long, I can’t keep silent anymore.  The past is the past and I don’t want you to think I’m writing this because I’m jealous or still angry.  I guess thats why I didn’t write it to you years ago.  I’m not jealous.  I have nothing to be jealous of.  I’m very happy in my life.  I have a man who I can trust and a job I adore.  What I dont have is you and your thoughts the way I once did.  You havent been candid with me for a long time and that makes me think you are afraid of your inner most thoughts.

I’m extremely worried about you.  I think about you a lot and its always with concern.  I wonder how you are really and honestly feeling and whether or not you are even in touch with those feelings because you are so often high. I wonder if you know you could come to me as a friend with any feelings and we could work them out together.

You’ve expressed to me on a few occasions that you wonder if Linus is cheating on you.  I used tot hink these would be normal thoughts because I too used to date people prone to cheating or having wandering thoughts.  Now that Im with someone who leaves me no room to think about him cheating on me, who obliterates any doubt in my heart about his faithfullness, I know that these fears of being cheated on come from the behaviour of the partner and they are not natural or healthy.  They are feelings that you should not need to suffer with.  And due to Linus’s history of cheating, I wonder how you can stand it when he’s out of your sight.  The fact is he has never once had a relationship he hasn’t cheated on.  Hes cheated on long time girlfriends one with her sister and with me it was you and vice versa.  Its fine to forgive.  But I wonder if you’ve done the wise thing by setting yourself up to be hurt again.  One thing I learned from Linus is you do not have to constantly come back for more pain just because you love someone.  You need to love yourself above everyone else or you’re going to get brutally hurt.

And now with what happend with your parents I find it shocking that you are engaged to him.  I thought maybe the one good thing that would come out of their unhappiness would be that you would finally realize you didn’t want to get hurt like that.  I thought you’d learn to protect yourself from being cheated on and lied to. 

I wonder about you a lot.  When we were close you’d often express to me how much your parents were steering your life.  You’d tell me what you wanted to do.  And yet you didn’t get the chance to do those things.  You followed their way.  I thought maybe with the destruction of their marriage you’d see their way wasn’t even right for them, so how could it be right for you.  I don’t know, maybe you love your career and maybe they turned out to be right.  But I worry because I know that you have felt pressured by them in the past.  Maybe you feel trapped.  You arent trapped.  You’re far away and surrounded by friends you made with Linus and I know it can feel suffocating and lonely to think of life different than what it is at present.  But no matter what I love you.  You are never trapped because I would do anything to help you.  I have a spare room here and I’d be glad to take you in for a day or a year or a lifetime.  I really want to impress upon you that Im worried.  You have told me many times he might be cheating on you but you never have told me anything positive.  I wonder a lot about that.

I’ve already stood by silently and watched Big Brother and Lux get married when I knew there were problems of fidelity.  They got divorced less than a year later.  I can’t do that to someone again.  Especially not you.  You may never want to talk to me again after this and thats fine.  I can see how you are in a very serious crossroads of your life and it might seem impossible to even consider the things I am saying  but I want you to know, Im here thinking of you and worrying for you and if there is anything I can do, I would do it.  I want the girl I love to have the most spectacularly happy life.  I wonder, have you ever been with someone who you didnt have to worry about?  Its amazing.  And I want it for you.  We do not have to be our mothers.  We do not have to feel anchored to someone who is not treating us 100% how we want to be treated.  Em asked me the other day how I ended up with someone who treats me so well, and I want to tell you too, I stopped putting up with anything less.  I stopped taking shit and forgiving shit and looking the other way.  I stopped letting that I loved that person force me to forgive them and accept them.  I decided Id rather be single than with someone who was capable of hurting me.  And it worked.  I didnt end up sin

gle I ended up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t need my forgiveness for anything. 

I want that for you.  I want to know you are as happy as possible.  I want to know that you aren’t just towing the line of how life is "supposed" to be (date, move in, marry.  the end.).  If this has caused you too much pain to talk to me.  I understand.  You have the right to never talk to me again.  But if later down the line, I dont care if your 37 or 57 or 107,  If he ever hurts you or if you ever decide you dont want to live with forgiving someone anymore, I will always have that spare room ready for you. 

God damn I feel scared for her.  Im so lucky to live a life of my own choosing with someone who I can leave back stage at a burlesque show and not even give a wink.  She cant even send her fiance to work without worrying.  Thats so sad.