A tragicomic evening brought to you by Jesus

Aparently there is a Jesus and he’s really mad about the things I’ve been saying about him to the other kids at school.

His social revenge?  Why not have some of the people I really don’t like randomly appear at a concert while I’m working out details for the craft show I’m organizing with my new/old friend Eudora.  (Eudora and I were close in highschool but then she turned all straight edge vegan and I turned all pothead-now we’re both back to relative normality).

So Eudora and I turned up phantasmically early to take measurements of our favourite little sludgey hole of a night club.  My friend owns it and he was beyond stoked that Eudora was there as he also works in a music store, where Eudora excercises her right to have fucking great taste in music.  He’s been doing the music store guy equivelant of hiding in a bush outside her window and jerking off, and he readily admitted it to her while jumping around and squealing.  It was a beautiful sight, especially because this man is idolized by local kids for his musical achievements.  The golden calf has a golden calf of its own.

So fine, everything is going swell.  Zippy’s new (new as in after Waldo) boyfriend, a long time aquaintence of mine is there, and he often is.  I chitchat him up on purpose just because I know she would stab my eyes out if she knew I was talking to him.  I get a certain satisfaction out of it because Im almost 100% evil bitch, I suppose.  Then Waldo shows up.  He hadn’t been to that particular club in oh….2 years.  Nice night to take in a show I guess.  He came with 2 or 3 of the guys I slept with when I went sort of nutty after we broke up.  Nutty?  Oh I mean slutty.  And their girlfriends.  Who Im not that keen on mostly because their idea of a good time is making music videos to other people’s songs and putting them on youtube.  Wildly artsy types.  Holy shit I thought that amount of sarcasm would surely crash the computron.  Im in such a cunty mood just thinking about how this night went down.

Time rolls on and Eudora and I decide to hop over to the grungey and even divey-er bar down the street to pee.  At least their bathrooms have heat.  and soap.  and toilet seats….and toilet paper.  Some crazy cougars look like they might stab us.  Apparently native women in their forties dont appreciate immaculately perserved 1950s housewife attire when they see it coming at them at the bar.  I dont know.  Maybe they do appreciate it and they realized I was wearing a cap meant for day after 6.  I thought they might cut us.  Its a really scary bar in a really scary town.

But we peed so it was worth it.

On the way back Im talling Eudora about why I was talking to the random dirty street punk in the club.  And I let her in briefly on some of my conquests and the hilarious ways in which I went about justifying them.  Something about fucking Waldo so Zippy could cheat on him with Mic, and I sort of rambled briefly over being so annoyed at Waldo’s emotional dettachment from me that I fucked all his cute friends.  And I let her know who was in attendance.  She was most of the way through a bottle of gin so shock turned into giggling very quickly.  On the way back I practically ran in the club, past the alrge picture window.  Leaning on that picture window was the fucking lead Bleeding Banshee herself-Zippy.  Eudora was already briefed on Zippy’s main events (faking pregnancy and miscarriage and admitting to faking it, lying about me giving an STD to a bunch of people I hadnt slept with and then admitting it (and somehow leaving out people I had slept with), faking suicide and then wrapping her wrists in sheets, bragging about her eating disorder, etc).  I waved her over to a corner where we slumped into a pile of laughing.  Thai and Em came up to me each individually and went "I think I just saw Zippy.  And now I know why I never have before.  She looks like a little boy".  Yup.  My friends have a hard time picking out the woman who loves to loathe me because she doesnt look like a woman at all.  I found Drummer and asked him if Waldo realized she was there.  He of course went positively bug eyed and went to warn Waldo.  Scooter spent his night flitting around watching who Zippy was glaring at more….and then there was the worst witch.

Perhaps more awful than Zippy, who loathes me intensely enough to severly disrupt her own life, even years after our last contact, is Penny.  Penny was one of Rick’s friends girlfriends.  She fucked the guy when she was recording an album at his house, thus breaking up a commonlaw marriage.  All this before she graduated high school.  As a result, I had to spend all too much time with her when I dated Rick.  And in case you aren’t an avid reader this is the very girl who turned to me the night I realized Rick never really made it clear I was his live-in girlfriend to anyone and she said "I thought you were a groupie".  Now Penny never knew my name, clearly she didnt even know why I was around.  And yet she was always such a fucking snob to me.  How you can be so certain you’re better than someone else without even talking to them properly, I don’t know.  So she was there, She asked to be added to the bill in the middle of the night and performed some of her squabbling,godawful Cassio Keyboard bullshit songs… Did I mention her baby was there.  Her 6 month old infant with a clown’s name.  She used him like a Spartan shield as she walked through the drunken teenage hoardes.  What do I mean by clown’s name?  I mean not a hippy name like Elm or Willow or Moon.  And not a person’s name that no one really uses like Arty, or Ferdinand.  I mean a clowns name.  Closer to Zoinks than to Edward.  And not edgey names like the Zappa kids either.  Anyways in a way its more annoying because I never did anything to deserve her bizarreness, but then its also better than the Zippy fiasco.  As much as she`s always disliked me, Penny will never burn a hole in my head with her eyes.  She doesnt even remember who I am enough to recognize me out of context.  And Rick is a context I will never be in again.  If she hadnt a)had a baby with har and b)played her ear splitting music I wouldnt even be writing about her right now.  But she did.  And noise abuse, is still abuse.

I shouldnt be so irrate with life for making these horrific spectors appear all in one night in a place where none of them ever really go.  I should be thrilled really, because I had offered to do the door for the evening.  Then I would have had to hold the hands of whores while I wrote numbers on them.  I probably even would have had to sit there staring at them while I waited for someone else to run and get change for a twenty for me.

Moral of the story, Jesus hates me and he took his revenge mildly as he could while still getting me to notice.  Almost like he`s saving some of my penance for later.  I owe him a $20 and I gave it to him and the fucker

said `heres a five back.  I`ll get it from you later“.

Author`s note:never fear kittens, I`m just using Jesus as a literary figure.   I havent really refound him or any such nonsense.  In case my uysing words like `cunty` didnt tip you off.