What I did on my summer holidays

Alright Im finally going to write about my trip to Scotland.  I see I didn’t even tell you that I managed to get there.  So first off, I got a replacement passport.  It cost a lot of money and involved calling in sick to work 2 days on the week before my vacation so I could get everything together that I needed to have.  Keep in mind I work 3 days a week and I had traded one of my days to have a longer vacation already.  So if you’re keeping count, my vacation turned into a 2 weeker right there.

Saturday (to the airport): Thai had a accoustic show to play by the river for our local indie festival in the afternoon before we went to the airport.  My gramma and mom decided to come too.  They took one look at the little crowd of us hooligans standing outside the club waiting to parade to the river and decided to take a walk while we waited for everyone to get there.  This is hilarious to me because I am pretty fucking off kilter in appearnce.  But its true, everyone was dressed to kill.  The guys from L.A. (abreviated band name not abreviated city name) were wearing a look I would say is the love child of Rice Paddy worker and bag lady from russia.  very exotic.  Their girlfriends dressed as hippies, less creative.  Oh they didnt dress like hippies they are hippies.  Oops.  Danna and I looked like groupies form the 70s that had been carefully preserved in plastic wrap.  The other girls looked like the original stepford wives.  Except one of them who is on this big wife from welcome back kotter kick.  Only her glasses are twice as large and awkward.  She was wandering around with a bunch of grapes.  Then Thai’s band looked like a large posse of huck fins. Oh and Chipmunk looked like someone’s dad who is either a pervert or old european at the beach.  Complete with bathrobe. And someone’s kid was running around dressed like a lumberjack.This isn’t halloween people its a casual event by a river.  Fucking indie kids.  Can’t leave the house without looking like they want to be discovered.  Did I mention the hippies had a raft? We paraded to the river, had a great show and went home.  On the way out of town my mom and gramma bore witness to the pair of old toothless, homeless men who go around collecting garbage with an equally unfortunate woman in a cart.  FUCK.  What a good Saturday.  My mom was more shocked that Thai’s band is good.  We got home, vaccuumed and went for dinner on our way to the airport.  We just barely got their in time because I was too nervous something bad would happen to speed.  We made it, checked our bags, and there was a pleasantly short wait until boarding.  The flight was nearly empty and most passengars got to lie down across three seats to sleep. 

Sunday (glasgow day1)  While deboarding the plane (that’s what they call it, ya?) a very nicely groomed flight attendant with a fauxhawk checked out Thai.  I felt like going DAMN RIGHT HE’S PRETTY!  but I didn’t.  I just told Thai later.  "He was gay?"….ummm isn’t as gay as a fauxhawk on  a flight attendant a saying?  It should be.  He was pretty fucking hot.  If Thai leaves me it has to be for that guy.   We grabbed lunch at Wetherspoons not realizing it was a really shitty chain restaurant.  This is where it begins folks:  Ketchup problems.  They served us something in a wee little container that looked like ketchup and relish mushed together.  Not sure.  How can a nation that eats that many frenchfries NOT have heinz at every table?  I had even asked for ketchup in case there was some strange cultural difference where the Scottish dont eat ketchup-and there seems to be just that.  We had attempted to order beer, but while you can order a beer with your food at 8:30am in Scotland you cannot do this on a Sunday.  Thanks for nothing Jesus.  We had soda, they gave us diet.  You’ll notice a recurring theme of terrible customer service on this trip.  I’d love to be a Scottish waitress.  I would AMAZE my boss in many ways, such as offering a customer a second chance to order a drink order.  And BRINGING their drink before their food (or even within 10 minutes after they get their food).  Sales would sky rocket.  After lunch we left our bags with the porter at our hotel as it wasn’t check in time yet.  Then we walked to the Barras.  The Barras is a lovely little market place in Glasgow.  It took awhile to walk so we bussed back when we were done.  I didnt buy anything but there was a rather stunning pine martin displayed behind glass that would look great in my apartment.  I also enjoyed all the little old men in hats selling their wares.  Little old men are even more endearing if they are Scottish.  After the barras we went to the hotel and slept off some jet lag.  We woke up FUCKING STARVING 3 hours later and headed out for dinner.  Glasgow does not specialize in Scottish food.  Our choices were Italian, Inidan, Ethiopian, Malaysian, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, and of course all the big stupid chain restaurants like Subway and Pizza Hut.  We opted for some gourmet pizza and it was fucking delicious.  After dinner we hailed a cab to The Stand Comedy club because Thai is a huge fan of stand up comedy.  I enjoy it, but Thai is really in to it.  So we had plans.  It was standing room only at the stand as we got there rather late.  The line up was all comedians that the owner of the stand had selected from the Edinburgh festival.  We had been worried that their jokes would be all Scottishy and we wouldnt get them but it was hilarious.  After the show we went back to get some rest.  All the clubs were just heating up but we were EXHAUSTED.

Monday (Mallaig)

We got up and headed for the train, stopping for breakfast at the pub attached to the station.  We each ordered a full Scottish breakfast.  Thai got his double or something.  I don’t recall except that the amount of foriegn meat-stuff on his plate was even more commical than what was on my plate.  Tried black pudding.  I was under the weather (hangover and jet lag) so I put off trying the haggis.  Didn’t like black pudding.  It wasn’t bad it was just not a flavour that I am ok with something thats actually made of blood having.  It was sweet.  It freaked me out.  After eating we got on the train to go to Mallaig.  Thai took photos at each stop and I drew a charcoal drawing of the things outside the window.  Scottish trains are quick, prompt, and comfortable.  Loved it.  The scenery was delicious.  We saw shyeep and bunnies from the window by the hundreds.  Thats my kind of place.  The train took a good portion of the day to get to mallaig.  We had snacks to munch on on the way (crisps and biscuits!).  Upon arrival in Mallaig we strapped on our heavy bags and went looking for a place to stay.  We found a delightful little hotel with a bathroom decorated all in retro seafoam green fixtures.  I made a mental note that we

would shoot some pin up photos in the shower because it was *amazing*.  Then we went out for a walk before dinner.  Mallaig is freaking beautiful.  Its a tiny little port town without a lot to do.  The circular walk was lovely, and misleadingly long.  We saw a tiny sign that said circular walk and decided to do it.  It went way up a mountain/hill thing.  There were a few nice look outs with benches.  We stopped to make out at one but couldnt engage in full-out sex because we knew there were other people (with kids) on the trail.  We admired the views, and were amazed at the sudden appearance of giant black slugs (I love slugs).  We took a billion photos of the slugs close up so I could later admire their beauty pixel by pixel.  Then we became worried.  We had een walking for over an hour (walking and making out) and we were at the top of a hill.  We already knew Scottish places stop serving food earlier than Canadian places.  With only a couple eateries in town WHAT if we didnt make it to dinner?  We only had a row of cookies left in the package.  We picked up the pace a bit, grabbing blackberries on our way just in case.  The wild blackberries were amazing.  Later Thai admitted to almost eating a grub and not talling me for fear that I would panic that I had probably eaten a grub.  I laughed at him.  I did not eat a grub.  I was watching out for them.  Jesus.  We finally did make it to town on time.  We ate at a great fresh seafood restaurant.  We tried Cullen Skink, a delicious soup had some local caught fish, and for dessert Cranachan (raspberries in oats and whisky flavoured cream).  The cranachan nearly killed me with delight.  Goddamn I can still taste it now.  After dinner we mulled around town awhile.  We went to bed pretty early, still suffering from jet lag.  Scottish nights are cold but Scottish blankets are incredibley warm.  

Tuesday [Isle of Skye(Portree)]

This is a work in progress.