The Nightmare Again
I’ve been having those nightmares again. Three nights in the last week Ive woken up devastated, having just relived the abuse of my childhood in realer-than-real dreamland technicolour. To add to my misery, one of these nights was at 6am as Thai was just about to get up for work. I woke up beside him hysterical and he had no fucking idea why. I told him it was a nightmare but last week i had a nightmare where I saw my own dead body and I told him about it laughing so OBVIOUSLY it was a big fucking deal of a nightmare. So I told him Id talk to him about it on the weekend and he said "what about tomorrow (being valentines day)" and I told him about my plans with Em. How we were going to go out and get drunk and ignore that hew boyfriend is in England and my boyfriend wasnt palnning anything. It was the day before vday at 6am and the first time he mentioned it at all. So somehow he took me from being half asleep and having a panic attack about revistiting being molested to him not getting to see me on valentines day. But with only 20 minutes to even discuss anything before he had to go to work i kicked him out the door, both of us crying and told him to get the fuck to work, thanked him for making me more upset than I already was. I went home and wrote him an explanation in an email because I had to work and I had to get all the darkness out before that so I could go and chat enthusiastically about Danielle Steel with random strangers who obviously have never read a good book in their lives. So instead of being wrapped in his arms, crying and talking in a hushed voice about what was bothering me, you know in a way that would provide some comfort and human contact, I sat at my desk and typed out the horrors of my past while my mother was in the next room…I dont know…she was telling me something. Probably about the morning paper I never read because I live in a town that thinks a child in a swimming pool in August is front page material. Anyways. So the last bit of soul I had was eaten away by the acid of modern day internet communication that morning. And so i went to work. He did eventually appologize for being so irrational. And then after I forgave him it came out that he didnt even have plans made on valentines day he just wanted to see me. So I made it well and clear that there would be plans made on friday by him, since he tried to make me feel bad for ruinning the plans he hadnt even thought of on thursday. Em cancelled in the end to stay home and have web cam sex with her boyfriend. Uhhh. Huh What? I stayed home and relaxed (arlington and waldo both tried to get me to go to their homes for drinks….uhhh no thanks guys Im fucking a real man now. Ya bye.), I had another bullshit nightmare. I was in my own bed though and there was no comfort to be had. Its just not fair that my father can still get me even though I dont talk to him and theres nothing that anyone can do to stop it. Ill write you about vday in my next entry. To sum up this story though, we didnt really have much of a talk about it. Except that Thai read my email and spent the rest of the night crying for me. I wanted to talk to him but what the hell do I say. I could ask him how he felt about it but obviously I know the answer. Theres not a lot of room for gray area. Its just a horrific thing to talk about it and its not like I feel better when I do…I just feel better that he knows now. On Saturday night I had the nightmare again. But he was there. i reached out for him in a total panic. I hadnt opened my eyes or come to the realization that it was a dream or that I was beside Thai. i just reached out and he pulled me into a hug and held me. And he soothed me. And we both cried. And it was the most comfort I will ever have in my life.