I wish it was easy

It’s not easy to be in love with someone so far away.  Each day brings new challenges and revives old ones.  The future is cloudy and there’s no way to know how our lives are going to intersect. Every action causes a reaction that defies logic and I find myself crying over the things that I should celebrate. I should be glad that you have such good friends, I shouldn’t care if they’re women, and I should be ecstatic about your prospective job. 

But all I can feel is jealousy and disappointment, and I can’t hide it.  I’m being so unfair to you, and I wish that I could stick my feeling underground and make them invisible instead of probably ruining the fun you’ve had.  I’m just sick of not being a part of it, I’m exhausted from being far away from your life and not sharing it with you, and I’m especially tired of trying to think of ways for our future to intersect and having every attempt undone.  And I feel resentment creeping in.  Can’t you try harder?  That’s probably what you think of me too.