something i should tell you *E*

there are too many doubts that i can’t articulate.  i don’t say them out loud because to say them makes them real.  to say them makes me believe that they’re not just fleeting.  even writing them… i’m not sure i should.  but i need to, at least then maybe i can let go of them. 

i feel like i’m in a cage.  and it’s not that there’s anything in particular that i want to have outside of it.  i just don’t like the feeling of being someone else’s possession.  you say it like it’s romantic: "you’re mine.  you’re only mine. you belong to me."  and every time i read or hear those words, i feel something pushing inside my chest saying, "i love you, but you don’t own me.  I’M MINE, AND MINE ONLY."  and, since it’s something that clearly bothers me so much, i should say something.  i shouldn’t let it slip through to infect the rest of my feelings about you. 

but, i have already let it fester.  it’s not only the words, but the feeling of being tied to someone who is so far away from me is a heavy thing to wear each day.  and, after nearly four months of being apart, i’m starting to get tired, and too weary to continue the way it is right now.  i crack when people expect a lot from me. 

edit: after writing this, i told him.