endeavor in honesty

some things are ugly and some are empty.

you ask me how i feel: let’s make it an endeavor in honesty, i guess.  but not tonight.  i take on the characteristics of those around me.  i adopt my roommate’s passive mantra, "i can’t deal with this right now."  whenever she says it, i think to myself, "but the only time to do it is now, you can’t afford to wait."  now, i hear myself say it.  i hear myself avoiding you and burrowing more deeply into my own thoughts that i categorize as private.  i’m filled up with negatives, these days.  i’m home for the first time since august, and it feels like i finally broke through the surface of an ugly, empty place into the light.  i’m breathing, and it’s cathartic.  this air of uncertainty and longing chokes me, but it’s better than shutting my eyes and lungs against it.  it’s better than holding my nose with one hand and protecting my heart with the other.  it’s all just a matter of letting the negative surge through me these next few nights.  like i said, an endeavor in honesty.  but tonight, i don’t feel like i can let you in.  i can’t share all those things with you that are filling me up.

to be continued.