i let him go

assessment:
lets find
the common answers, the solutions
every equation we ever wrote together turned out to be unsolvable.
you proposed infinity as the solution
but no.
only imaginary numbers correspond to you.

~*~

so i told you it was over, it’s been a long week, a long haul, so much longer than the eleven months i spent making love to you and your broken dreams. you broke me a little bit every day, and every night you attempted to heal me.  don’t make excuses, you were never articulate enough to come up with alternatives, not clever enough to think twice, it’s not all right.  no you were all actions, you never paused to breathe beauty into the world around you.  that’s something i couldn’t love, you were loud music, bad taste, cheap beer.  why do i love you, deep inside?  i know you like no one, i know you inside out and backwards, even upside down, even sunburned, even naked, even torn apart by loss.  i know you, and you think you know me.  i think this is the bottom line, you do not know me.  you don’t know about the words that i use to stitch myself back up, you don’t know about long acoustic nights alone in my room, you don’t know about subtle or lovely or unsettling.  and so i let large parts of me remain foreign, i allowed myself to divide into the part that was yours and the part that was mine, and i rationalized, everyone is private, everyone has secrets, everyone lies a little bit.  and it’s true but you became that lie.

and yes, it’s true.  i’ve forgotten to love myself.