Memories to dream by
My wandering down memory lane continued last night as I got ready for bed. I have a keepsake chest that I have my dog tags in, some track medals and all kinds of love letters
I didn’t read all of them, although I was tempted. My bunkmate in boot camp, who I found on Facebook and is now a married lesbian, had a boyfriend stationed up at the Nuclear base in Connecticut and got him to find someone to write me while I was in boot camp. His name was Sean and man did I love getting those letters. I think he wrote me every day, I have SO many of them. I loved getting those letters so much, in fact, that I got in trouble for sleeping with one under my pillow. We both went up to CT after boot camp and tore UP that motel room (I have the match book from that weekend). I vaguely remember those two clowns jumping off the roof into the pool. Lots of crazy sex and drunkenness and it was perfect
The letters I did read were the sweet declarations of love and of longing, as these boys were away from me, either out to sea or working away from the base. We were so so young, late teens, barely even adults and so filled with passion and earnestness
I am friends now on Facebook with one of those boys, seeing him now just makes me smile. I am friends there with another guy I messed around with, it made me laugh to read his name in one of these guys letters. It was that other guys fault that letter guy and I weren’t together, because I fell for him. We’d be married now, letter guy said. That made me think…story for another time
Speaking of Facebook, I went down a rabbit hole a few times yesterday doing searches for some of these people who held so much sway in my life at that time. It was tough to find them, I didn’t find any of them actually.
So I got to thinking about what’s different about me then and now. It wasn’t that difficult to unpack. I didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself back then. I was a nationally ranked athlete in high school, picture in the paper every weekend for winning in my sport; I was in the Marines, and if you weren’t aware, we’re an arrogant bunch. I had a massive chip on my shoulder. Essentially I could do no wrong, until I did, which drastically changed the course of my Marine Corps career forever
Not to put the blame on why I was the way I was on my parents, but they are a major reason why I am 53 and still struggle today. No one really paid attention to me growing up. My mother never hugged me. So I had to resort to negative things to get some sort of attention. Drugs, shoplifting, drunk, all at a very young age. I felt like I had so much to prove, when in reality, I just wanted to be loved
Pretty sure that’s why I had a string of boyfriends in the Marines. That I was never with them long. I often said I was like a cat. You know how they torture something they are playing with, like a mouse or a bug, and once they get it they get bored with it? That was me, to a T. Chewed them up and spit them out.
From these letters I can tell that this deeply affected these boys, that I was playing with their emotions in such a way that even after leaving our base, and off to sea or to another base overseas, they still felt the impact of me
I am 100% positive that’s what failed in my marriage. I was brutal to my husband. I was such a ball buster, it was my way or the highway and admittedly he wasn’t that bright, so I took advantage of that. I equated physical attraction for love, and, like a cat, once I had him in my grip, I got bored
Pretty sure the difference in that ballbuster and me now is because I think of others before myself. As a Buddhist, I live with lovingkindness and compassion
As I laid down to sleep, all these memories still swirling in my head, I realized then that this young me wasn’t all that great, she was so damaged and seeking attention in ways that ended up being destructive. Knowing this and accepting this and unpacking it all will definitely help me realize that yes, I am still a badass but I can slay the day in a positive way, and not with a flamethrower